Up and at 'em, Horrorshow! We've gotta keep fightin'! You dig?
HORRORSHOW
Yo Joeski!
DUKE
They're raising the drawbridge!
SNOW JOB
That's okay! We'll cross on the ice!
SNOW JOB
Hey! What are those crazy BATs doin'?
DUKE
Well, so much for crossing on the ice.
SNOW SERPENT
Hold them off while I get Ivan's DNA.
INT. IVAN'S TOMB
SNOW SERPENT
Mission accomplished! Cobra!
EXT. SIBERIA - IVAN'S TOMB
DUKE
Concentrate all fire on that aircraft!
SNOW SERPENT
Get this to Dr. Mindbender!
AVAC
Cobra!
DUKE
Gone!
SNOW JOB
And we've still got a mess of polar vipers on our hands. Huh? They're surrendering?
SNOW SERPENT
Why fight? We'll be freed when Cobra conquers the world.
DUKE
The worst thing is, unless we start gettin' things together, that creep could be right.
EXT. TIENSHAN MOUNTAINS - SUNRISE
HAWK (COMM.)
Duke's men are heading for the tomb of Genghis Khan, Sergeant Slaughter. I'll rendezvous with you at Sun-Tzu's burial mound, near the headwaters of the Yangtze River.
EXT. CHINA - MOUNTAINS
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Tell Duke not to blame himself, General Hawk. If we knew exactly what Cobra wanted from those tombs, we'd do a better job of keepin' them away from 'em.
INT. CARGO PLANE
HAWK
Affirmative, Sergeant Slaughter. We're in the dark now, but we've got to keep punching 'til we see the light.
SGT. SLAUGHTER (COMM.)
Roger, General. Estimated arrival time at... Take cover! It's Cobra!
HAWK
Sergeant Slaughter, are you under attack?
HAWK
You're breaking up, Sergeant! We've lost contact.
EXT. MEDITERRANEAN - DAY
LEATHERNECK
If there's one thing I hate, it's waitin'.
WET-SUIT
If there's one thing I can't stand about waitin', it's listenin' to you complain about it.
LEATHERNECK
Oh, yeah?
WET-SUIT
Yeah!
SHIPWRECK
Sorry to interrupt such sophisticated repartee, but we're supposed to be watchin' for Cobra, remember?
LEATHERNECK
Aw. Me and 'Suit are watchin', Shipwreck.
WET-SUIT
Right. If them snaky freaks make a move on Alexander the Great's tomb, we'll blow 'em right outta the water!
SHIPWECK
The only problem is Alexander's tomb is under the water.
POLLY
Saves a bundle on fire insurance!
SHIPWRECK
Belay the one-liners, Polly. Come in, Torpedo and Deep Six. How are things at the tomb, serpent-wise?
DEEP SIX
Nothin' but seaweed down at forty fathoms, 'Wreck. The sonar's drawin' blanks, too.
TORPEDO
Maybe Cobra's gonna give this famous snake a miss.
SHIPWRECK
Don't bet your clams on it.
SHIPWRECK
Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?
SHIPWRECK
Ah. Not exactly an endangered species, but definitely worth watchin'.
SHIPWRECK
What the... Oh, no! They was just decoys!
SHIPWRECK
Moray raiding party off the starboard bow!
JOES
Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
Pour it on!
EEL
Whoa!
WET-SUIT
Hey, gyrene, your aim improved any since the last time we went target shootin'?
LEATHERNECK
Watch me!
WET-SUIT
Hah! Took ya four!
LEATHERNECK
Aw, nothin' satisfies you, Wet-Suit!
SHIPWRECK
Stop bickerin', you guys! He's gettin' away!
DESTRO
That oil tanker is our escape ticket. Fire torpedo.
DESTRO
Quickly! We haven't much time!
SHIPWRECK
Blasted bilge rats! We're blocked by these flames!
WET-SUIT
I'm goin' down to give Deep Six and Torpedo some back-up.
WET-SUIT
Uh-oh. Listen up, guys. A trio of sea snakes is swimmin' your way.
TORPEDO
Don't worry. We'll stop 'em.
DESTRO
Forward. We've got them outnumbered.
DEEP SIX
Hold, on, Torpedo. I'm going to get Wet-Suit.
DEEP SIX
Wet-Suit, Torepdo, let's give 'em the old squeeze play.
WET-SUIT
Yo Joe!
DESTRO
You force me to retaliate with this.
TORPEDO
A float bomb!
WET-SUIT
Can't get loose!
DESTRO
Enjoy yourselves on the surface, Joes. We're having a barbecue!
WET-SUIT
Maybe I've got a way to help fire-proof us.
TORPEDO
Much obliged, Wet-Suit. Now how do we stop Destro?
DESTRO
All right. Detonate!
DEEP SIX (COMM.)
Shipwreck, get below! Destro's in the tomb!
SHIPWRECK
Can't! All hands are busy up here, Deep Six!
DEEP SIX (COMM.)
Never mind. We're too late, 'Wreck. Cobra's nailed us again.
EXT. CHINA - SUN-TZU'S BURIAL MOUND
DR. MINDBENDER
It's Sergeant Slaughter! Destroy that meddlesome mastodon! Cobra!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Cobra!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Aw, nerts!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Shall we help the good sergeant (T) put out his fire? (T and X) Let's!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Uh-oh!
DR. MINDBENDER
That's the end of our friend Sergeant Slaughter!
DR. MINDBENDER
Maintain the perimeter while I penetrate Sun-Tzu's coffin.
DR. MINDBENDER
A hundred feet of earth and clay won't stay Cobra from our appointed rounds.
DR. MINDBENDER
It's not possible!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yo Joe!
DR. MINDBENDER
Xamot! Tomax! Stop him at all costs!
DR. MINDBENDER
Cobra Vipers, attack, now!
STRATO-VIPERS
Cobra!
DR. MINDBENDER
Xamot! Tomax! Stop Sergeant Slaughter while I get Sun-Tzu's DNA!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Cobra!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Let's see how your brother likes this, Xamot!
TOMAX
Stop! Please! Stop!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Okay, fine!
DR. MINDBENDER
Ah, success! Now, a farewell gift for Sergeant Slaughter.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Not so fast, Mindbender!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yo Joe!
ROADBLOCK
My gun's all loaded, my ammo belt's full! Load up those skeets! It's time to say, "Pull!"
STRATO-VIPER
No!
HAWK
Look, smoke's coming from the drill hole!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
I'm a hard man to shake, Mindbender!
DR. MINDBENDER
We'll see about....
SGT. SLAUGHTER
You've been lucky, but here's where your four-leaf clover turns into poison ivy!
DR. MINDBENDER
I'm still a thorn in your side!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) /line missing/ (T) Blast his butt! (T and X) Annihilate him!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
You Twins are next!
DR. MINDBENDER
Here, let me help you
INT. CARGO PLANE
SCI-FI
How you comin', Sarge?
SGT. SLAUGHTER
My head feels like it's busted up as badly as that whatchamacallit.
HAWK
This looks like one of those devices Duke and Flint described. My hunch is whatever Cobra's after is tied into this.
ROADBLOCK
Yo, General Hawk, Alpine thinks they found Beach Head and Mainframe.
EXT. TRANSYLVANIA - DAY
ALPINE
I hope they're okay, Roadblock. They used Vlad Tepes' coffin for protection during the cave-in. We'll find out in a second.
ALPINE
They're alive, General! Son of a gun, after eighteen hours under that mess!
MAINFRAME
Beach Head, I wanna talk to you about your deodorant.
BEACH HEAD
Whaddya mean? I don't use deodorant.
MAINFRAME
That's what I wanna talk to you about.
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
COBRA COMMANDER
Another master stroke, Mindbender?
COBRA COMMANDER
You've put my Vipers through the ringer, the Twins got creamed, and most importantly, you lost Sun-Tzu's DNA, which was supposed to be of vital significance! As of now, your little experiment is deader than disco!
COBRA COMMANDER
Come, Scrap-Iron. Deader than disco. I like that. I could've been a great stand-up comedian.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) He's right. Without Sun-Tzu's DNA, (T) our new leader will be an even bigger dweeb (T and X) than Cobra Commander.
DR. MINDBENDER
Unless we find another source of DNA endowed with similar qualities. Sun-Tzu was a Chinese military genius, the best soldier of his time. If we cannot have his DNA, why not use the DNA of the greatest soldier of our time--Sergeant Slaughter?
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - DAY
HAWK
Joes, this is General Hawk! Cobra has been running us ragged over the last couple days. In addition to the tombs we tried to defend, Cobra struck the tombs of Julius Caesar, Geronimo, and Rasputin. What they want from these tombs we don't know. But Genghis Khan's tomb is the last on their list. From now on, the name of this game is defense. Cobra must not pass!
INT. TERROR DROME - LAB
DR. MINDBENDER
Almost complete. Soon my creation will be Cobra's new leader!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You seem pretty cheerful (T) for a man whose pet project (T and X) has been reduced to abject failure.
INT. TERROR DROME - CONFERENCE ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, Mindbender. Why are you so bloody cheerful?
INT. TERROR DROME - LAB
DR. MINDBENDER
With Sergeant Slaughter's DNA, I will have the genetic matrix to create the perfect Cobra emperor!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You don't have Genghis Khan's DNA yet, (T) and you're already planning to take Sergeant Slaughter's! (T and X) First things first, Doctor.
INT. TERROR DROME - CONFERENCE ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
This has gone far enough. They shall not succeed!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LAB
DOC
This one's the same as all the others, Lifeline.
LIFELINE
Yeah. It all seems to add up.
HAWK
What'd you find out, Doc?
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - JOE CAMP
DOC
We think we've figured out the reason Cobra's been raiding all those tombs, Hawk. They're after DNA.
LIFELINE
As in deoxyribonucleic acid.
GUNG-HO
Say what?
MUTT
Deoxyribonucleic acid. The chief building block of all life, Gung-Ho.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LAB
LIFELINE
General, we believe Cobra has the capability to combine those stolen DNA molecules to create an artificial life form.
DOC (O.C.)
History has been dominated by despots and warriors like Alexander, Vlad Tepes, Napoleon, and their kind. The genetic map of their personal power is within their DNA.
LIFELINE (O.C.)
Looks like they're gonna create the world's first fully-cloned super soldier.
DOC
When Cobra has all the DNA, they'll start breeding them by the thousands.
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - JOE CAMP
HAWK
Building an army of these warriors for a final confrontation with us.
ROADBLOCK
Our chance of winnin' won't be fine when Cobra joins with Frankenstein.
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - DAY
HAWK (COMM.)
We've got an air raid! Man your battle stations! Night Ravens attacking!
STRATO-VIPER
Leave no Joes alive! Cobra!
VIPERS
Cobra!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Yeehaw! Jeb Stuart, you is avenged!
VIPER
That maniac is going to ram us! Jump!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Yahoo! Let's knock 'em back, Joes!
ROADBLOCK
Way back! Yo Joe! Go, man, go!
SLIP-STREAM
It's turkey-shoot time in Central Asia, so let's gobble 'em up!
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
DR. MINDBENDER
Watch where you're aiming, fools! I don't want the Sergeant slaughtered! At least, not yet!
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - DAY
BARONESS
Move or be melted!
DR. MINDBENDER (COMM.)
Disengage!
HAWK
At ease, at ease. Save the celebration, men. unless I missed my guess, that was only round one.
EXT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
Another catastrophe, Mindbender! This fiasco has gone on long enough!
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
COBRA COMMANDER
I hereby order you to abandon your insane experiment. You are under house arrest!
COBRA COMMANDER
Seize him!
COBRA COMMANDER
Perhaps you didn't hear me. I said seize him!
DESTRO
Everyone heard you, my dear Cobra Commander, but no one cares to obey.
DR. MINDBENDER
You see, our last attack was merely a diversion. My next will bring calamity and us victory, and nothing you can say or do will stop it. Nothing.
COBRA COMMANDER
You have a way with words, Mindbender. Continue with your plan by all means. I shall be waiting to reward your genius...or to have you beheaded for terminal stupidity! I have spoken.
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - NIGHT
DIAL-TONE
Enemy aircraft approaching, and brother, it's a big one!
SLIP-STREAM
Converge on intruder and eliminate same. Yo Joe!
DUKE
She's hit! She's gonna crash! Evacuate the impact area!
DUKE
Wait! It's a trick, General. She wasn't hit at all!
HAWK
We've been had by smoke pots and special effects! Come on! Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
DR. MINDBENDER
The fools played right into my hands! Fire at will! Bring me Khan's sarcophagus.
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - NIGHT
SGT. SLAUGHTER
We can't let 'em reel in that fish. Right through the walls! Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
DR. MINDBENDER
Careful, you dolts! Come close enough to make it look good, but don't damage the merchandise!
EXT. TOMB OF GENGHIS KHAN - NIGHT
SGT. SLAUGHTER
They snagged it!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Let loose, you blasted grave-robber!
HAWK
They've got Sergeant Slaughter!
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
SGT. SLAUGHTER
You clowns don't know it, but you're in big trouble!
DR. MINDBENDER
Such a sense of humor, Sergeant Slaughter. You will be a superb addition to my collection of DNA. BATs, bring him to me!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
One concussion sandwich, comin' up!
COBRA COMMANDER
What is this? A stowaway? Scrap-Iron, dispose of him.
