Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride....
SHIPWRECK
Button your beak, bird, or there's a feather duster in your future!
DUSTY
Hey, Shipwreck, where's your holiday spirit?
COVER GIRL
Yeah, let's have some Yuletide cheer. Looks like there's enough toys to beat last year's record.
DUSTY
They're gonna make the kids at Children's Hospital real happy.
DUSTY
Cobra Rattler!
WILD WEASEL
Happy holidays from Wild Weasel, you Christmas turkeys!
DUSTY
Look out!
SHIPWRECK
Find us some cover, or we'll be eatin' asphalt!
DUSTY
Head for that rock pile up ahead.
DUSTY
Gun it, Cover Girl!
SHIPWRECK
Ah, we made it!
POLLY
Close call! Close call!
DUSTY (O.C.)
Yeah, but now what. That Rattler could keep us pinned down 'til next Christmas.
WILD WEASEL
Wild Weasel to Cobra Commander. Firefly's mission is accomplished. Returning to base.
SHIPWRECK
Why'd he take off? He had us!
COVER GIRL
Who cares? He's gone. Let's not look a gift horse in the mouth.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - STORAGE
POLLY
Tote that teddy! Lift that train!
BLOWTORCH
Always wanted one o' these when I was a lad. Charmin', isn't it now?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
COVER GIRL
The bace looks awfully deserted, Duke.
DUKE
Most of the Joes took holiday leave.
COVER GIRL
We were attacked by a Rattler on our way here. If Cobra mounts a full assault while we're short-handed....
DUKE
They'd never get through our automatic defense grid, Cover Girl.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DINING AREA
ROADBLOCK
Smack your lips and feast your eyes! Roadblock cooked you a big surprise!
WILD BILL
Yeehaw! Hombre, you outdid yourself!
ROADBLOCK
Duke, will you do the honors?
DUKE
You bet. Who wants a leg?
DUKE
Junkyard. I might have guessed.
DUKE
That's one hungry dog, Mutt.
MUTT
Yeah. I'll chow down later, okay? I wanna be alone for a while.
TRIPWIRE
What's wrong with Mutt?
DUKE
Beats me, Tripwire. Holiday blues, I guess.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - EVENING
MUTT
Now that's loyalty. How many dogs would give up a turkey leg to mope around with their master?
MUTT
Can't help it, Junk. This time of year always makes me sad. You see, when I was a kid, my folks made such a fuss about the holidays, they didn't have time for me.
MUTT
Ah, I never got to trim the tree or wrap presents. They never even let me hang up my own stocking. Now every year I get this left-out feeling.
MUTT
Junk, you hear something?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - STORAGE
MUTT
What the...?
MUTT
A Trojan rockin' horse! We've been snookered!
MUTT
I don't believe this!
MUTT
Gotta sound the alarm, Junk!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DINING AREA
DUKE
The alarm! Let's go!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - EVENING
MAJ. BLUDD
Baroness, to the defense grid!
BARONESS
On my way, Major Bludd!
WILD BILL
What in tarnation? Cobras?
COVER GIRL
They're not Santa's elves!
DUKE
This has got to be a joke!
TRIPWIRE
Ow! Some joke!
ROADBLOCK
That cooked his cupcake, Duke.
DUKE
Too late. The ray's done his job.
COBRA COMMANDER
Seasons greetings!
COBRA COMMANDER
You are relieved of command, Sergeant Duke Hauser! G. I. Joe Headquarters is now occupied territory!
COVER GIRL
No way, tin face! Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
COBRA COMMANDER
Fools, open fire! Cobra!
COBRA
Cobra!
COBRA COMMANDER
Deploy the SNAKE robots!
DUKE
I...didn't....know you cared!
DESTRO
Apparently they remain unconvinced!
COBRA COMMANDER
Baroness, the gas!
DUKE
Gas! Don't...breathe!
COBRA COMMANDER
Secure their vehicles and seal the base.
MAJ. BLUDD
Straight away, Commander.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
Ah, rested from your little nap?
COVER GIRL
Where's Duke? Why isn't he with us?
COBRA COMMANDER
Perhaps he prefers our company.
WILD BILL
And maybe I'm the Queen of England.
ROADBLOCK
Somebody break your popgun, Destro?
DESTRO
Imbecile. This molecular reducer/enlarger represents a decade of research!
BARONESS
Destro, it's accomplished its purpose brilliantly. We now have the Joe weapons and vehicles we need for tomorrow's attack on Keystone City.
WILD BILL
You're gonna attack a city with our gear?
COVER GIRL
To make the government think we're behind it.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes. A tragic mistake, but quite understandable, especially after they've seen this.
"DUKE"
Citizens of Keystone City, this is Sergeant Duke Hauser, G. I. Joe Team Leader. We're tired of serving our country. It's time the country started serving us. As of eleven hundred hours, the Joes declare your city under martial law--our law! Resistance will be met with deadly force. That is all.
COVER GIRL
What have you done to him, you monster?
COBRA COMMANDER
I haven't done a thing, have I, Duke?
"DUKE"
No, master. Not a thing.
COVER GIRL
It can't be!
ZARTAN
Right you are...but try telling it to the folks in Keystone City.
COVER GIRL
Zartan.
COBRA COMMANDER
Tomorrow the real Duke will be aboard my SkyStriker. This will confirm that the Joes have turned traitor.
COVER GIRL
The heck we have!
COBRA COMMANDER
Take them away where they won't cause any mischief. Somewhere in keeping with the season. Yes, put them on ice!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - FREEZER
MAJ. BLUDD
Remember mates, keep cool.
TRIPWIRE
I just decided, I hate puns.
BLOWTORCH
If we don't get out of here quick, we'll be a bunch of...Joesicles!
SHIPWRECK
You know, me and that side of beef could have a meaningful relationship.
COVER GIRL
Is your brain frostbitten, or what?
SHIPWRECK
Come on, Cover Girl. You got no imagination. Just watch.
POLLY
Seasick! Seasick!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAWN
COBRA COMMANDER
Progress report, Major Bludd. Can your troops fly the Joe aircraft?
MAJ. BLUDD
Bloody piece o' cake, Commander. Another hour and we'll be ready.
COBRA COMMANDER
See that you are.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - FREEZER
SHIPWRECK
If I can just get a grip, I can lift myself off this hook!
POLLY
Snowball's chance! Snowball's chance!
SHIPWRECK
Shut up, will ya? I got it!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - OUTSIDE FREEZER
BARONESS
Gloating is childish, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Gloating? I simply want to bid our friends a final farewell.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - FREEZER
COBRA COMMANDER
What's this? Such gloom on a lovely holiday morning? And after I've brought you all a present!
COVER GIRL
Present?
COBRA COMMANDER
Of course. The key to your handcuffs. I'll hang it right here, just out of reach.
COBRA COMMANDER
And while you reflect on my generosity, remember that more presents are coming your way...tons of them!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
DESTRO
There. If the microcircuits are still intact, the reducer/enlarger should function properly. Not that it matters now. The Joes are finished.
COVER GIRL
Don't mail the invitations to your victory party yet, Destro.
COVER GIRL
Tripwire, check the airfield.
DESTRO
You needn't bother. Cobra Commander and the others have departed to attack Keystone City in your vehicles, and in your name.
COVER GIRL
We'll stop them somehow, Destro. We still have you.
DESTRO
Do you? Or do I have you?
DESTRO
With this molecular reducer/enlarger, I'll shrink you to subatomic nothingness!
POLLY
Watch it, buster!
DESTRO
Get away from me! Get away!
COVER GIRL
Smother him! Smother him!
COVER GIRL
Okay, let him up.
ROADBLOCK
Easy, Mutt. We got him.
COVER GIRL
Sounds like something's loose.
WILD BILL
Dadblame it! Not only did Cobra steal our gear, they gave us flies!
SHIPWRECK
Hold it, that's no fly, it's...it's...it's... Polly!
POLLY
Help! Help! Help!
TRIPWIRE
Cover Girl, give me that gun.
TRIPWIRE
Hold still. I'll fix that bird.
WILD BILL
Are you loco? You'll hit Shipwreck!
TRIPWIRE
This thing's got a two-way switch. Whatever it shrinks it can also expand.
POLLY
Polly feels dizzy.
SHIPWRECK
Oh, poor Polly.
SHIPWRECK
I'm gonna miss you durin' the battle with Cobra, pal. But not very much.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
COVER GIRL
Hey, guys, we're stuck with Cobra equipment, but it's gonna have to do.
WILD BILL
Shucks, we could beat them Cobra owl-hoots flyin' cardboard boxes!
COVER GIRL
Then let's do it.
JOES
Yo Joe!
ROADBLOCK
We gotta stop Cobra before they reach Keystone City!
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
PASSENGER
Ha, this here's a lot o' hooey. Martians land in Hoboken. Nome a guy can believe, but Hoboken?
PASSENGER
I thought G. I. Joe was supposed to be on our side!
EXT. KEYSTONE CITY - DAY
DUKE
You can't win, Commander. The people will fight back.
COBRA COMMANDER
Then the people will be destroyed, and the whole world will blame G. I. Joe.
KID
Dad, aren't those the G. I. Joes? I thought they were heroes.
DAD [Peter Cullen?]
So did I, son. So did I.
DUKE
You'll never get away with this, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, no? Just watch me!
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
ZARTAN
Full throttle, you fools! We're not being paid to miss the battle!
ZARTAN
That's a Cobra CLAW, one of ours! But who's flying it?
COVER GIRL
Nice shootin', Blowtorch, but we've still got one tall job ahead of us.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
POLLY (singing)
Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!
EXT. KEYSTONE CITY - DAY
MAJ. BLUDD
Oh, no!
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joes, using my equipment!
DUKE
Yeah. Life's full of surprises, isn't it?
MUTT
Up ahead!
ROADBLOCK
Cobras, in our vehicles.
MUTT
Ain't nothin' sacred?
COBRA
Hey, what's goin' on?
ROADBLOCK
Surprise!
ROADBLOCK
Those three are history. Now let's get the Baroness.
BARONESS
Turn this thing around!
BARONESS
So you've escaped your confinement. Well, you won't escape this!
ROADBLOCK
That witch has a way with a laser ray!
COVER GIRL
Wild Bill, there's a Dragonfly on your tail!
WILD BILL
Not for long! Yahoo!
WILD WEASEL
Nobody can do that with a FANG, nobody!
WILD BILL
Well I ain't nobody!
WILD BILL
Daw! Feel like I just lost my best horse!
SHIPWRECK
The masquerade is over, Baroness!
SHIPWRECK
I hate to see our equipment get blasted like that!
COVER GIRL
What's gotta be's gotta be.
DUKE
Your forces seem to be disappearing, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Impossible!
COVER GIRL
You've had your warning, Cobra Commander. Land, or next time I won't miss.
COBRA COMMANDER
She's bluffing. If she shoots me down, you'll go too. She'd never risk that.
COBRA COMMANDER
Fortunately, I have no such qualms about eliminating her!
DUKE
You wish!
COBRA COMMANDER
Let go! Let go of me!
POLLY (singing)
Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!
POLLY (CONT.)
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!
COBRA COMMANDER
Are you mad? You'll kill us both!
DUKE
Possible, unless you surrender!
COBRA COMMANDER
Surrender? I'll never surrender!
COBRA COMMANDER
Happy landings, Duke!
COVER GIRL
Everybody okay?
SHIPWRECK
All accounted for except Duke.
DUKE
Hey, Shipwreck, is this a friend of yours?
SHIPWRECK
Oh, no! My worst nightmare come true!
SHIPWRECK
Uh, hiya, Polly! Uh, remember ol' Shipwreck, your buddy? Your pal?
DUKE
Well, Cover Girl, Merry Christmas. Are you okay?
COVER GIRL
Yeah, thanks. And you?
DUKE
Okay, but what are we gonna do about that rather large bird over there?
COVER GIRL
Whatever he says, Duke. Whatever he says.
DUKE
Yeah, I guess we'd better, at least until we fix Destro's gun.
COVER GIRL
Oh, gotcha a little present, Duke.
DUKE
Oh, what's that?
COVER GIRL
The key to your handcuffs.
DUKE
Aw, you shouldn't have.
COVER GIRL
Merry Christmas, Duke.
MUTT
Son of a gun, it is Christmas, Junkyard! You know, all of a sudden I don't feel bad anymore. Merry Christmas, you ol' hound dog.
