Careful with those crates, you morons! This haul's got to finance us for the next fiscal year.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DUSK
COVER GIRL
There they are, right on schedule. Remind me to thank intelligence.
COVER GIRL
'Kay. Let's shake 'em up before we grab 'em.
COBRAS
Look out! We're under attack!, etc.
COVER GIRL
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
MAJ. BLUDD
Cheerio, mateys! At least I shall live to fight another day!
FIREFLY
Errand boy!
ACE
That oughta do it, Cover Girl. See you back at the base.
COVER GIRL
Yeah. We've got it covered down here. Thanks for the back-up, Ace.
ACE
Ten-four. Over and out.
COVER GIRL
Now we can see what Cobra Commander is hiding in here.
INT. CAVE HIDEOUT
THUNDER
Will you look at this!
COVER GIRL
We expected a haul, but....
DUSTY
Man, this is too much!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
What do you mean I'm broke?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) The Joe Team's highly successful raid (T) has wiped out your assets. (X) Consequently, your creditors are demanding payment (T) on all outstanding debts.
COBRA COMMANDER
I will not tolerate this. I control the largest criminal organization in the world!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) That was true until today (T) when all of your men applied for unemployment benefits.
COBRA COMMANDER
How degrading!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You have forty-eight hours, Commander, (X) to come up with two hundred million dollars.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
ANNOUNCER
It's second and ten on the thirty-two yard line. Hawkins rolls back, Gattine's wide open, and...it's intercepted!
COBRA COMMANDER
Greetings, my fellow insurgents. It is my pleasure to inform you that last night's charade leaves me undaunted. Never underestimate the power of Cobra!
DUKE
Unless I'm mistaken, we've got a good chance of shuttin' Cobra down once and for all.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - COBRA FORTRESS
DUKE
The fortress should be right about here.
DUKE
Be prepared for anything!
INT. COBRA FORTRESS - COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
DUSTY
Hmm. Dust.
ALPINE
This place is deserted, Duke.
BAZOOKA
A ghost town.
SCARLETT
The main generator is turned off, Duke.
SPIRIT
And not a soul in sight.
ROADBLOCK
Hey, Duke, I'm pickin' up some activity in a room to the east.
DUKE
Let's investigate.
INT. COBRA FORTRESS - EAST ROOM
XAMOT
Now we would like to show you the communications room.
DUKE
Xamot! Tomax!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Well, well. (X) If it isn't (T and X) G. I. Joe.
DUKE
I didn't know that Extensive Enterprises was in the real estate business.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) We're not. We've (T) foreclosed on Cobra and (X) are conducting an auction in an effort to (T and X) recoup our investment.
DUKE
What about Cobra Commander?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) He seems to have (T) skipped town. We would like to find him (X) as much as you.
INT. COBRA FORTRESS - STUDIO
BAZOOKA
Duke, look.
DUKE
The Commander's troops. Looks like Cobra's empire is tumbling down.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
COBRA COMMANDER
Where are you taking me?
QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER
Looks like the Martians have invaded.
COBRA COMMANDER
This is nothing but a slum!
INT. STINKY'S EMPORIUM
CUSTOMER
I told ya, I don't want any trouble.
COBRA COMMANDER
I'm beginning to question your taste in business associates.
FIREFLY
Trust me, Commander.
FRANKIE [Arthur Burghardt]
Okay, come in.
INT. STINKY'S EMPORIUM - BACK ROOM
STINKY [Neil Ross]
Glad to see that you are punctuation.
COBRA COMMANDER
That's punctual. Now let's get on with it.
STINKY
Yes, sir. Time is a precious community, and I despise people who abstruse it. So, how can I be of abstinence to yous?
COBRA COMMANDER
That's assistance. I thought we had a deal.
STINKY
We do! I was tryin' to be socializable. Show 'em the attachment case.
STINKY
One million, in soft corensibles. Do you stand under the terms?
COBRA COMMANDER
Of course. One million dollars at four hundred percent interest per week. Now we must be going.
STINKY
Wait! There's one more part to the deal.
COBRA COMMANDER
And what, pray tell, is that?
STINKY
I wanna see your face.
STINKY
I always wanted to see what you look like under that mask, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh?
STINKY
Ah! Help! I can't let go!
FIREFLY
Commander, we have thirty seconds.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes. We must be going.
STINKY
Apprehensive them!
COBRA COMMANDER
Goodbye, you fools!
STINKY
Stop them! The deal's off!
STINKY
Give me back that money!
STINKY
Frankie? Guido?
EXT. PIER - NIGHT
STINKY (O.C.)
Get up, you goons! After them!
BARONESS
You have the money, Commander?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes. But where's Major Bludd?
BARONESS
Preparing a new resumé.
COBRA COMMANDER
He'd make a good shipping clerk.
EXT. EVERGLADES - ZARTAN'S LAIR
DESTRO
This looks suspiciously like the route to Zartan's lair.
COBRA COMMANDER
My, my, Destro. Your intelligence is exceeded only by your good looks.
BUZZER
Hey, mates!
TORCH
Ah, look at what the cat dragged in!
COBRA COMMANDER
Greetings, Zartan.
ZARTAN
You're late, Commander. My charity has limits.
COBRA COMMANDER
Spare me the lecture, Zartan. We've got much to do in little time.
INT. ZARTAN'S LAIR
BARONESS
What a dump!
ZARTAN
Appearances can be deceiving, Baroness.
DESTRO
It suited you better the other way, Zartan.
COBRA COMMANDER
Baroness, explain Operation Cold Slither to our friend.
BARONESS
Destro has designed a program that creates rock and roll music and inserts subliminal messages which will lull people into a trance and make them totally subject to our will.
ZARTAN
And how do I benefit from this?
COBRA COMMANDER
Here's how....
COBRA COMMANDER
...if you do as I command.
INT. STUDIO - DRESSING ROOM
RIPPER
How much you say we're gettin' paid for this?
ZARTAN
Five dollars an hour.
TORCH
Five whole dollars? And all we's got to do is mouth the lyrics?
DESTRO
It is taking longer to dress these morons than it took to record the song.
COBRA COMMANDER
When do we put the subliminal commands in, Destro?
DESTRO
After the video is recorded. Then my subliminal commands will be added to both the video and the record album.
INT. STUDIO
RECORDING
We're Cold Slither; you'll be joining us soon.
A band of vipers playin' our tune.
With iron fists....
GEORGE LANCEBURG [Corey Burton]
No, no, no. Cut! Cut! Cut!
GEORGE
It's all wrong! This is art, not exploitation! All right, let's do it again from the top.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Back to one.
GEORGE
And feel your motivation!
TORCH
How long do we have to put up with this banger?
ZARTAN
Only until we're paid.
STUDIO EXEC
Excuse me, sir, but we are now into overtime, and the union rules specifically state....
COBRA COMMANDER
The only union they should be concerned with is the one between their heads and their shoulders.
STUDIO EXEC
Uh, yes, sir!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Places, everyone!
GEORGE
Okay, let's try it again. Action!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Action! Everybody, action!
RECORDING
We're Cold Slither; you'll be joining us soon.
A band of vipers playin' our tune.
With iron fists and a reptile hiss we shall roar!
GEORGE
What is that idiot doing?
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're tired of words! We've heard it before.
We're not gonna play the game no more!
Don't tell us what's right, don't tell us what's wrong!
GEORGE
They are animals!
RECORDING (CONT.)
Too late to resist, 'cause Cobra is strong.
STUDIO EXEC
Oh, my goodness! We're going way over budget! Barbarians!
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're Cold Slither, heavy metal machine
Through the eyes of a lizard, in you will dream.
GEORGE
No! No! No! Cut! Cut! CUT!
RECORDING (CONT.)
When the venom stings, a new order brings our control!
COBRA COMMANDER
You fool, this is what I want! Keep the film rolling!
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're tired of words! We've heard it before....
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
So, what do you think? We're in the top twenty with a bullet in just three days.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Yes. We're so excited that (T) we have decided to cancel your debt (X) in exchange for a share of the profits. (T and X) We are your new partners.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
STEREO
We're tired of words! We've heard it before,
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM
STEREO (O.C.)
We're not gonna play the game no more!
TEACHER [Morgan Lofting]
How can I grade these papers with that awful music going on?
TEACHER
Time for class. Where are those kids? Gone?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
RIP CORD
I guess it's not the most elegant course in the world.
TORPEDO
But you must admit the obstacles are unique, especially the minefield.
BAZOOKA
Fore.
BARBECUE
Hey!
ALPINE
Is this your idea of a joke?
BAZOOKA
Sorry.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE
VIDEO
We're tired of words! We've heard it before,
We're not gonna play the game no more!
Don't tell us what's right, don't tell us what's wrong!
Too late to resist, 'cause Cobra is strong.
SHIPWRECK
I can't remember ever bein' this bored.
FOOTLOOSE
You need a hobby, Shipwreck.
VIDEO (CONT.)
We're Cold Slither, heavy metal machine
Through the eyes of a lizard, in you will dream.
SHIPWRECK
Ah, ever since Cobra disbanded, we haven't had anything to do except keep the dust off the tanks.
VIDEO (CONT.)
When the venom stings, a new order brings our control!
We're tired of words! We've heard it before,
We're not gonna play the game no more!
VEE-JAY
And that was "Cold Slither," which just slithered its way up to number one on the charts today. Don't miss their concert tonight at the sports arena.
BREAKER
Cold Slither.
SHIPWRECK
Tonight.
FOOTLOOSE
We'd better get goin'....
BREAKER, SHIPWRECK, AND FOOTLOOSE
Man.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
TORPEDO
Hey, Breaker, who's mindin' the store?
RIP CORD
Hey guys, where you goin'?
MP
Halt!
BREAKER
Let us out.
SHIPWRECK
Or die!
BREAKER, SHIPWRECK, AND FOOTLOOSE
Cold Slither!
MP
Look out!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
TORPEDO
And he just kept saying, "Cold Slither! Cold Slither! Cold Slither!"
DUKE
Sounds like Cobra stuff to me.
SCARLETT
No, Duke. Cold Slither is a rock band.
DUKE
Oh, I see. I guess I haven't been keeping up on things. But that doesn't change the fact that they've gone AWOL. Send the MPs to get 'em and prepare for a court-martial.
TORPEDO
Duke, isn't that a little extreme?
DUKE
No, I don't think so. Even if Cobra's washed up, I'm not lettin' discipline slip around here.
EXT. SPORTS ARENA - DAY
RECORDING
We're Cold Slither; you'll be joining us soon.
A band of vipers playin' our tune.
With iron fists and a reptile hiss we shall roar!
We're tired of words! We've heard it before.
FOOTLOOSE
Wow, man! Far out! Totally awesome! Cosmic vibes! Wow!
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're not gonna play the game no more!
MP #1 [Chris Latta]
Okay, you guys are all under arrest.
RECORDING (CONT.)
Don't tell us what's right, don't tell us what's wrong!
BREAKER
Wait a second! What's happenin'? We didn't do anything wrong!
RECORDING (CONT.)
Too late to resist, 'cause Cobra is strong.
MP #1
Save it for the court-martial....
MP #2
Hey, why don't we stay and listen to the music? It's totally awesome!
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're Cold Slither, heavy metal machine
Through the eyes of a lizard, in you will dream.
When the venom stings, a new order brings our control!
MP #1
Yeah. Let's get mellow. Wow.
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're tired of words....
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Now that our audience is captivated, let us bend their will to ours.
DESTRO
Disengage the subliminal enslavement program and put it on manual, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes.
EXT. SPORTS ARENA
BARONESS (COMM.)
You are all under the spell of Cobra. You will do whatever we say.
CROWD
Yes, master.
BARONESS (COMM.)
Drop to your knees.
CROWD
Yes, master.
BARONESS (COMM.)
Shout, "Long live Cobra."
CROWD
Long live Cobra!
BARONESS (COMM.)
Scrape the floor!
CROWD
Yes, master.
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
BARONESS
Now, say, "All hail, Destro and the Baroness!"
CROWD (O.C.)
All hail, Destro and the Baroness!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop this foolishness! We have them where we want them.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - SUNSET
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
DUKE
The MPs should be back by now. Where are they?
SCARLETT
Relax, Duke. They've got a big crowd to look through.
COBRA COMMANDER
Greetings, citizens. Do you know where your children are tonight? I do!
CROWD
Long live Cobra! Cold Slither forever! Cold Slither forever!
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
They are with me, and they will stay with me until you pay me the sum of one hundred billion dollars!
EXT. SPORTS ARENA - SUNSET
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
And do not consider sending in the G. I. Joe Team, for I have the building surrounded.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
You have two hours.
DUKE
Cobra lulled us into complacency, and now they're beating us!
SCARLETT
Well, we're not about to give up!
DUKE
But they've got thousands of hostages in there!
LADY JAYE
Wait a second. I've got an idea.
EXT. SPORTS ARENA
RECORDING
We're not gonna play the game no more!
Don't tell us what's right, don't tell us what's wrong!
RIPPER
Eh, blokes, this is gettin' a bit too much like work.
RECORDING (CONT.)
Too late to resist, 'cause Cobra is strong.
BUZZER
Yeah. My shift is up. I'm takin' a break!
TORCH
Yeah, we're the stars. You want more play, we get more pay.
RECORDING (CONT.)
We're Cold Slither, heavy metal machine
Through the eyes of a lizard, in you will dream.
When the venom stings, a new order brings our control!
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
ZARTAN
Hey, where did everybody go?
BARONESS
Those venal mercenaries have left the stage.
COBRA COMMANDER
So what? We don't need them anymore.
INT. SPORTS ARENA - HALLWAY
RIPPER
I'm tellin' ya, we're gettin' a raw one from Cobra Commander.
BUZZER
Yeah. We do the work and he gets the money!
INT. SPORTS ARENA - DRESSING ROOM
"GROUPIES"
Cold Slither! Cold Slither!
BUZZER
Hey, you blokes, we've got fans!
LADY JAYE
It's them! Aren't they cool?
RIPPER
Come to papa, baby!
BUZZER
Hey, what's the deal?
LADY JAYE
Okay, boys. You've got a choice: Talk or fry. Where's the command center?
TORCH
Don't shoot!
RIPPER
It's in the sound room!
SCARLETT
Duke, this is Scarlett. We're on our way to Cobra's command center. Take out the tanks.
LADY JAYE
So, what are we gonna do about the bozos?
COVER GIRL
I've got a special perfume for them.
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
LADY JAYE
The gig's over, Commander!
BARONESS
Your subliminal sound effects didn't seem to work on them, Destro.
SCARLETT
What did she say?
LADY JAYE
I don't know. Wait 'til I remove these ear plugs.
DESTRO
Ear plugs! So, you knew about our subliminal messages.
SCARLETT
No, we knew your taste in music.
COBRA COMMANDER
The game's not over yet.
COVER GIRL
Now, everybody, repeat after me. Cobra Commander is a clown.
EXT. SPORTS ARENA
CROWD
Cobra Commander is a clown.
COBRA COMMANDER
I will avenge this insult!
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
SCARLETT
Now hear this: Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker will be on KP duty for a month!
EXT. SPORTS ARENA
CROWD
Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker will be on KP duty for a month!
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
DUKE
Hey, maybe we should take this, uh, subliminal thing back to Headquarters. Might help keep some discipline around there.
SCARLETT
Oh, I don't think there'll be any problems with Cobra back in business, once I make some minor repairs.
EXT. SPORTS ARENA
FOOTLOOSE
Hey, man, what are we doin' here?
BREAKER
Looks like we're at some kinda concert.
POLLY
We want music! We want music!
CROWD
We want music! We want music! We want music! We want music!
INT. SPORTS ARENA - CONTROL BOOTH
SCARLETT
Now what are we gonna do?
DUKE
Go home. What else?
ROCK 'N ROLL
You know, it's not really fair. They did pay to see a concert.
DUKE
Um, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
EXT. SPORTS ARENA
BREAKER
And now, for the greatest rock and rollers in the land, the Average Joe Band!
AVERAGE JOE BAND
He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble. G. I. Joe is there!
G. I. Joe! (a real American hero) G. I. Joe is there!
It's G. I. Joe against Cobra the enemy, fighting to save the day.
He never gives up; he's always there, fighting for freedom over land and air!
A real American hero, G. I. Joe is there!
He'll never give up; he'll stay 'til the fight's won. G. I. Joe will dare.
G. I. Joe! (a real American hero) G. I. Joe is there!
