You have made a very impressive find, Dr. Marsh--the tomb of the ancient Egyptian pharaoh-god Osiris.
DR. MARSH
Thank you.
COBRA COMMANDER
There is gold in this tomb, enough to buy arms for a small nation, or a large terrorist group.
DR. MARSH
Talk is cheap.
COBRA COMMANDER
But arms are not. That is why you are going to lead me to the treasure.
DR. MARSH
You...you've no idea what you're asking. The tomb is a maze of tunnels burrowed deep into the earth, with traps at every turn for intruders, and the curse of the treasure as well. A terrible evil will be unleashed if it is disturbed.
BARONESS
Is that so?
DR. MARSH
Besides, by now the Egyptian government must realize I'm missing. They'll have sent a convoy to rescue me. It's impossible for you to beat them to the tomb.
EXT. EGYPT - CONVOY
COBRA COMMANDER
For Cobra, nothing is impossible. Shall we proceed to the treasure, Dr. Marsh?
CRIMSON GUARD
Cobra!
EXT. EGYPT - TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
Let us begin our treasure hunt.
DR. MARSH
But I've no notion where the treasure would be, or if it even truly exists.
BARONESS
Pray that it does, and that you can find it. Your life depends on it, Doctor.
DUKE
Let's give those yahoos the surprise of their lives. Now!
ALPINE
Party must've moved downstairs!
DUKE
Then we're going to join it.
ALPINE
Yeah. I was afraid you'd say that.
BARONESS
Is this wise, Commander? What if the Joes reach the treasure first?
COBRA COMMANDER
Then we seize it from them. Meanwhile, they will also be the first to spring the pharaoh's traps.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
BARBECUE
Hmm. It appears there's no torch left for me.
ALPINE
But you're the fireman. You get to blow them out.
BAZOOKA
Lookit. Funnies.
ALPINE
Yeah. What's that stuff mean.
LADY JAYE
I've been trying to translate, but it's nothing good, I'm sure.
BARBECUE
What, uh, makes you say that?
LADY JAYE
Call it women's intuition.
BAZOOKA
Huh?
DUKE
Ah, some intuition you've got there.
ALPINE
Enough already! My ears are ringin'!
DUKE
On your feet! Back to where we came before we're sealed in!
LADY JAYE
Watch out for that stone. It could be booby trapped.
ALPINE
Hey, Lady Jaye, from now on skip the intuition, okay?
BAZOOKA
At least we're together.
BAZOOKA
Owch. That hurt.
ALPINE
What do you think? Should we make this the sewing room or the nursery?
DUKE
Can the comedy, soldier. We gotta find our way outta here.
ALPINE
Somehow I don't think this is it.
EXT. DESERT - TOMB OF OSIRIS
LADY JAYE (CONDUIT)
Careful. Don't touch that.
ALPINE (CONDUIT)
I'm not touchin' anything.
COBRA COMMANDER
Amazing. I can here every word they say.
DR. MARSH
Those conduits run all through the tomb. They carried air to the workers at the lower levels and let them communicate with the surface.
BARONESS
Then the Joes can hear us, too.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
BAZOOKA
What was that?
ALPINE
Maybe the foundation settling?
BARBECUE
After five thousand years?
DUKE
So, what's it say?
LADY JAYE
Pretty spooky. Osiris was killed by his brother Set, and restored to eternal life by Isis, his wife. But Osiris decided his true place was in the world of the dead and returned there to rule. And this tomb is supposedly a gateway to....
LADY JAYE
Duke!
DUKE
Just what I need--an asp in my ear.
DUKE
Let's see what else is up there.
ALPINE
Fine by me. Up is closer to out.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
BARBECUE
Which way now?
BAZOOKA
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, catch a cobra by the toe.
DUKE
Cobras don't have toes, Bazook. We'll try this one.
DUKE
Then again....
BAZOOKA
Nuh-uh, Duke. You wanta go this way,...
BAZOOKA
...we go this way.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
LADY JAYE
Another dead end!
BAZOOKA
I'll fix that...whoa!
DUKE
That did it. No way out.
COBRA COMMANDER (CONDUIT)
Alas, you can lead me no farther.
LADY JAYE
Cobra Commander! Where is he?
BAZOOKA
I dunno. It's kinda dark.
EXT. DESERT - TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
And you'd be a terrible nuisance if you escape that chamber.
COBRA COMMANDER
So I have no choice but to bring some sunshine into your lives.
LADY JAYE (CONDUIT)
What a tragedy! Buried alive...with the treasure of Osiris!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop!
BARONESS
Surely you don't believe they've found the treasure!
COBRA COMMANDER
I cannot take chances.
COBRA COMMANDER
You, inspect that chamber and report back to me!
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
CRIMSON GUARD #1
Fire!
CRIMSON GUARD #1
According to the surface coordinates, the Joes should be in this room.
CRIMSON GUARD #2
Then where'd they go?
DUKE
Not very far.
JOES
Yo Joe!
BAZOOKA
Thank you, Lady Jaye.
EXT. DESERT - TOMB OF OSIRIS
BARONESS
What's going on?
COBRA COMMANDER
Shh. I'm trying to listen.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
LADY JAYE
Bye, guys.
LADY JAYE
Don't forget to write.
EXT. DESERT - TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
What took you so long?
DUKE
We're outnumbered. Follow my lead.
BARBECUE
With ya all the way, Duke.
COBRA COMMANDER
Well?
DUKE
It was a trick!
BARBECUE
The, uh, Joes were waiting for us.
COBRA COMMANDER
What?
DUKE
They escaped, but we got their weapons.
COBRA COMMANDER
You dare return to report this?
BARONESS
They seem to be hiding something, Commander. You know the penalty for withholding infomation is...severe.
DUKE
We discovered the real treasure.
COBRA COMMANDER
Where? How?
DUKE
We, um, uh, we can take you there.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. And you'll join us, Dr. Marsh. We may need you if we encounter something unexpected.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
How much farther is it?
DUKE
Not far.
LADY JAYE
These are the sculptures of Osiris, god of the dead. That means we're getting closer to the treasure, doesn't it, Doctor?
DR. MARSH
Yes. Yes it does.
LADY JAYE
Thanks, Doc. Now lead us back to the surface.
DR. MARSH
I-I'll try.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
LADY JAYE
Cobra Commander!
DUKE
W-w-we were afraid we'd lost you!
COBRA COMMANDER
Enough! My patience is at an end! Where is the treasure?
ALPINE
Uh, over there!
COBRA COMMANDER
There? My treasure is there?
LADY JAYE
Why did you say that?
ALPINE
It's gotta be somewhere, don't it?
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
I see no treasure.
ALPINE
There in the far chamber.
COBRA COMMANDER
It's mine! It's mine!
ALPINE
Hey, looks like a guessed right.
COBRA COMMANDER
The crown of Osiris! Mine!
COBRA COMMANDER
Traitors!
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
DUKE
Okay. Let's get Marsh back upstairs and radio Headquarters to pick up Cobra Commander and friends.
LADY JAYE
Ugh. How do they breathe in these things?
BAZOOKA
Alpine, we're sinking!
ALPINE
Thanks for the bulletin, veal brain.
INT. COURT OF OSIRIS
DUKE
I think we hit bottom.
LADY JAYE
Are you all right?
DUKE
Yeah, I think so.
DUKE
What the blue blazes?
OSIRIS [Arthur Burghardt?]
Who comes unto the court of Osiris? Who seeks entry into the realm of the dead?
OSIRIS
Speak. Are you foes of Osiris, sent by my evil brother Set?
ALPINE
Never met the guy.
HORUS [Chris Latta]
You lie! All men know of Osiris's eternal war with Set.
BUTO [Mary McDonald-Lewis?]
I shall force the truth from their lips!
THOTH [Michael Bell]
Hold, Buto! The laws of this tribunal must be observed! Their hearts must be weighed.
ALPINE
Well, mine's about six pounds. Can I leave now?
LADY JAYE
Alpine, shut up!
THOTH
Their hearts must be weighed in judgment!
OSIRIS
If you are found worthy, you may pass on into the valley of eternal life.
BARBECUE
And if we're not?
AMUN [Chris Latta?]
Then you are mine!
BUTO
Amun devours the hearts of those who fail the test.
DUKE
Marsh, can this be on the level?
DR. MARSH
I don't know how else to explain it? They...they seem to be what they claim, the ancient gods of the Egyptian, creatures of eternity!
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS - TREASURE CHAMBER
COBRA COMMANDER
Treasure...where is the...
SET [Chris Latta?]
Who intrudes upon my domain?
BARONESS
Set, god of evil!
COBRA COMMANDER
Cobra!
BARONESS
He appears unimpressed, Commander.
SET
You are worshipers of the serpent?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes! Yes!
SET
You were not sent by my hated brother Osiris?
BARONESS
No, no! He commands an army of worshipers.
SET
You are a pharaoh, then?
SET
And these, are they your followers as well?
BARONESS
Yes. They were captured by those who serve your...your hated brother. Let us join your struggle. We shall crush your brother and his allies.
SET
Yes. I would find this pleasing. But first you must demonstrate your loyalty.
SET
Kneel before Set, lord of evil and darkness!
EXT. SPACE
BARBECUE
We, uh, seem to be headed straight into the sun.
BAZOOKA
Alpine, I wanna go home.
ALPINE
Go ahead. It's right down there.
DUKE
What's supposed to happen now?
DR. MARSH
A trial of some kind, to ascertain whether our souls are deserving of...
MAAT [Morgan Lofting]
I am Maat, guardian of the universal law. And this is my father, Amon-Ra, eldest of the gods. It is we who shall judge you.
DUKE
How? What do we have to do?
MAAT
Survive. And if your hearts are worthy, you shall.
DR. MARSH
The mighty one! The fiercest of his daughters!
DUKE
Come again?
DR. MARSH
Sekhet, the destroyer!
ALPINE
I thought you said we were supposed to survive!
BAZOOKA
Alpine!
DUKE
No! No!
LADY JAYE
Oh, no! No!
MAAT
Stop! The trial is ended.
LADY JAYE
Duke, thank heavens.
DUKE
Yeah. That's accurate.
DUKE
Aren't you forgettin' somebody, lady?
BAZOOKA
Nice birdie.
ALPINE
So what's the verdict, sister? Did our hearts make weight?
AMON-RA
Each of you risked your safety for the sake of your friends. We judge you worthy.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS - TREASURE CHAMBER
COBRA COMMANDER
My knees ache. When will our loyalty be proven?
SET
You have shown yourselves to be true worshipers of the serpent.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, I would say so!
SET
Have you a plan to attack Osiris?
BARONESS
Yes. Give us this tomb's treasure. We will amass an army to obliterate your brother and his followers!
SET
It shall be done.
COBRA COMMANDER
Radio the Rattler Squadron! We need help to move all this!
INT. COURT OF OSIRIS
THOTH
The mortals have returned from judgment. It is time for their final crossing into the realm of souls.
DUKE
Uh, I don't know how to break this to you, but we're alive. Just ship us back upstairs, okay?
OSIRIS
That is not possible. When you chose to enter this chamber, you left the land of the living behind. Anubis will ferry you across the river of the dead. Go, and may you know peace for all your days.
DUKE
Well, maybe we can jump ship. Come on.
INT. TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
Which way?
SET
I can go no further, but this path leads back to the world of mortals. I await your return.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, yes. We'll be back very soon!
SET
Sooner than you imagine, you poor doomed fool.
EXT. DESERT - TOMB OF OSIRIS
COBRA COMMANDER
Quickly, to the planes!
BARONESS
What is it? What is happening?
COBRA COMMANDER
No! My treasure!
INT. CAVERN - RIVER OF THE DEAD
ANUBIS
The treasure of Osiris! Someone's tampered with the treasure!
LADY JAYE
What do you mean about the treasure?
ANUBIS
While it remains in place, Osiris is ruler of this realm. But if a single jewel is removed from the tomb, his kingdom falls, and Set's wrath is unleashed against the gods and the earth!
LADY JAYE
We know who did it. We can help, if you can get us to the surface!
EXT. EGYPT - STORM
BARONESS
I tell you, we've been tricked! We must return what's left of the treasure!
COBRA COMMANDER
Don't be stupid! It's a sudden storm, not the end of the...Ahh!
JOES
Yo Joe!
DUKE
Bring it down! Fire!
COBRA COMMANDER
No!
DUKE
Nice catch! Take her down, dogface!
DUKE
Uh, Army talk. Term of endearment.
ALPINE
He did that on purpose, you know.
DR. MARSH
Perhaps Anubis realized it wasn't our time to make the journey.
