Roadblock, I wouldn't call the Constitution of the United States "old trash."
GUNG-HO
We got the Constitution on board?
SCARLETT (COMM.)
In your truck, Gung-Ho, along with the Declaration of Independence.
DUKE
We're transporting a billion dollars worth of history to the new National Archives.
SCARLETT
So let's put these babies to bed as fast as we can.
DUKE
Always in a hurry.
"TOURIST"
Smile!
ROADBLOCK
What the....
DUKE
Take cover!
BARONESS
Cobra!
DUKE
Scarlett, when do tourists stop being friendly?
SCARLETT
When they sign up for the Cobra travel plan.
BARONESS
Our target is truck number nine!
DUKE
I feel like John Wayne under a stagecoach!
SCARLETT
Let's go, pilgrim!
TELE-VIPER #1 [Frank Welker]
Hey!
SCARLETT
Nice form. Should be a diver.
TELE-VIPER #2 [Michael Bell]
What the...
TELE-VIPER #3 [Frank Welker]
Hey, how did you get here? Let me go!
BARONESS
Enjoy your prisoners!
SCARLETT
Some escorts we proved to be. We're the only ones who lost our truck.
DUKE
Yeah, but we weren't carrying anything valuable.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - NIGHT
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - CONFERENCE ROOM
BARONESS
The Seward File, as you requested.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Well, Baroness, do (X) the special provisions (T and X) exist as stated?
BARONESS
As stated. Potemkin wasn't lying.
GERKY POTEMKIN
Gerky Potemkin don't lie and he don't waste time. When Honest Gerky wants to make a deal, he makes a deal. And that's exactly what I want to do with Cobra.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Which is exactly (X) what you've done, Potemkin.
POTEMKIN
For thirty years I hawked cars in New Jersy. Who'd have known I'd make my big killing in real estate?
INT. ALASKA GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
GOV. LANDSFORD
Who the samhill are you?
POTEMKIN
The new owner of Alaska, hockey puck. Get away from my desk.
GOV. LANDSFORD
Miss Jamieson, call the...ow!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Your secretary's gone, Landsford. (X) Mr. Potemkin fired her.
POTEMKIN
Just like I'm firing you!
GOV. LANDSFORD
Fire me? You can't fire me! I'm the governor of Alaska!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T and X) Not anymore. (X) As the new owner of Alaska, (T) Mr. Potemkin has no need for (T and X) overpaid public officials.
LANDSFORD
What's happening? Am I losing my mind?
POTEMKIN
No, just your job. This is the Great Seal of Alaska, and according to provisions in the Seward Treaty, whoever owns the seal, owns Alaska.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
JINGLE
Honest Gerky, he's your pal! Honest Gerky's got your deal. Talk to Honest Gerky.
POTEMKIN
Honest Gerky's got news for all you folks in Gerkyland, what you used to call Alaska. You gotta go, and I mean go, but right now! I've got the seal, which means that I get all five hundred eighty-six thousand four hundred square miles, and you get diddly! So, get out of Gerkyland before I have to kick you out!
JINGLE
Honest Gerky, he's your pal! Honest Gerky's got....
SCARLETT
That maniac has complete control of the State of Alaska, and there's no legal way to stop him.
SCARLETT
According to this microrecord of the Seward File, Potemkin actually owns Alaska.
GUNG-HO
Seward File? Who's Seward, and what's this old file about?
SCARLETT
Well, Gung-Ho, Secretary of State William H. Seward bought Alaska from Russia in 1867, for seven cents an acre.
FLASHBACKS
SCARLETT (V.O.)
But to make the deal official, the Great Seal of Alaska had to be delivered to America. The czar gave the seal to a Captain Lukrov of the Romanov, a Russian warship. But the Romanov and her entire crew disappeared somewhere in the Arctic.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
SCARLETT
Potemkin claims his family fled Russia in 1917 with the Great Seal. If that's true, he owns Alaska.
DUKE
Potemkin's seal has to be a phony. We find the real seal, we can stop him cold.
GUNG-HO
But it was lost in the Arctic a hundred years ago.
DUKE
Well, pack your snow shoes. We're goin' seal huntin'.
EXT. KREMLIN - SUNSET
INT. KREMLIN
GENERAL
This Potemkin's claim is obviously bogus. But to prove wrong, America must find real seal. Two can play that game. Dah, Comrade Brekhov?
COL. BREKHOV
Dah, Comrade General.
GENERAL
The czar sold Alaska for a shameful pittance. If Red Oktober recover Great Seal first....
HORRORSHOW
Alaska again belong to Mother Russia!
DAINA
All that oil! All that land!
COL. BREKHOV
But Americans will send G. I. Joe for missing seal. Competition could grow intense.
GENERAL
Remember, as great American philosopher Vincent Lombardi once said, "Winning is not everything. Is only thing."
EXT. ALASKAN WILDERNESS - DAY
GUNG-HO
Call your bet and raise five.
SCARLETT
Are you sure Cobra and Potemkin are working together, Duke? I call your bet.
DUKE
Wherever Extensive Enterprises is, so's Cobra. They want Alaska for its resources and as a permanent base. Call.
DUKE
All we gotta do is search a million acres of freeze-dried real estate to find one tiny Russian knick-knack.
GUNG-HO
Will you guys shut up and play?
BARONESS
Cobra!
DUKE
Air defense! To your stations!
DUKE
Burn those Rattlers!
GUNG-HO
Bandits, twelve o'clock!
DUKE
Hang on tight! Going down!
EXT. JUNEAU - GOVERNOR'S MANSION
POTEMKIN (V.O.)
Six Rolls Royces, three ermine robes, a couple of dozen diamond rings, and toss in a platinum bathtub while you're at it.
INT. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
POTEMKIN
I've been wanting to make that call to Neiman Marcus all my life. How we doing, lawyer boys?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Considering the oil, gas, and mineral deposits, (X) and the contents of cities, towns, and villages, (T) the market value of the State of Alaska is (T and X) close to a trillion dollars.
POTEMKIN
Smooth as sticking a country rube with a 'Fifty-nine Edsel. What could go wrong now?
BARONESS (O.C.)
G. I. Joe!
TOMAX
Repeat again, Baroness?
XAMOT
Isn't that redundant, dear brother?
BARONESS
A plane-load of G. I. Joe has flown in to search for the real Great Seal.
POTEMKIN
But if they find the real seal, we are....
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Quiet. (X) Play with your toys.
BARONESS
No need to worry. The Joes have dropped of the race.
POTEMKIN
Dropped out? Race? What's she talking about? Are we safe?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Not quite. The Russian Red Oktober Team (X) is also looking for the seal. (T and X) They must be stopped, too.
POTEMKIN
How did you find out about all this?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You don't have (X) a need to know.
EXT. ALASKAN WILDERNESS - DAY
SCARLETT
Well, according to this, the last recorded position of the Romanov was a hundred miles on the other side of that peak.
DUKE
Yo Joe!
HORRORSHOW
At the rate they are going, they pass twin peaks late tomorrow.
COL. BREKHOV
Wrong, comrade. They never get past peaks. Red Oktober see to that.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
SCARLETT
Take us through the peaks, Roadblock.
SCARLETT
I hate winter sports.
GUNG-HO
I feel like Frosty the Snowman!
ROADBLOCK
You look like him, too!
COL. BREKHOV
Americans in the valley, Red Oktober is deeply sorry for inconvenience, but we cannot let you find Great Seal. Red Oktober must return what rightfully belong to Mother Russia. So goodbye, G. I. Joe. Have nice, long walk home. Good joke, dah?
DUKE
Save your energy, Gung-Ho. Brekhov was right. We've got a long walk to make.
SCARLETT
Only not toward home.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
First we freeze, now we bake.
SCARLETT
Now I know how a TV dinner feels.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - NIGHT
GUNG-HO
That's a cheery sound.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
GUNG-HO
When I get my hands on those Red Oktober wackos, I'll make 'em wish Karl Marx was Groucho's brother.
ROADBLOCK
We're both gonna get our chance. Gander that. Rub Aladdin's lamp, see Red Oktober's camp.
DUKE
Could you fly a Russian Honeybee, Scarlett?
SCARLETT
I'm so tired of walking, I could fly a Russian truck.
DUKE
Then let's hotwire a chopper!
ROADBLOCK
Man or woman, no one movin'.
DUKE
Let's take a closer look.
INT. RED OKTOBER CAMP - TENT
GUNG-HO
I bet my tattoo this is all some kind of a trap.
SCARLETT
Can't close much of a trap without weapons, Gung-Ho. They didn't even take a slingshot with 'em.
DUKE
Something very interesting happened to our Russian friends.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - RED OKTOBER CAMP
ROADBLOCK
Holy mackerel!
DUKE
Cossacks!
ROADBLOCK
Take cover, men!
GUNG-HO
What's happening?
SCARLETT
Is this a nightmare?
DUKE
For all of us, Scarlett.
COSSACK
In name of Czar, the great Alexander the Second, you are prisoners. Please, no excuse give me to kill you, dah?
EXT. ALASKA - DAY
GUNG-HO
What'd we do to these guys?
ROADBLOCK
Wish I knew.
SCARLETT
Pardon me for asking, but what are nineteenth-century Cossacks doing in twentieth-century Alaska?
DUKE
I think the answer is up ahead.
SCARLETT
Looks like the Romanov found a safe harbor back in 1867.
DUKE
And these people must be the descendants of the original crew.
COSSACK
No talk, more walk!
GUNG-HO
Sounds like you've got a fellow poet, Roadblock.
EXT. ROMANOV VILLAGE
INT. CITY HALL
CAPT. LUKROV [Michael Bell]
My great-great-grandfather, first Captain Lukrov, was wise man. He kept colony separated from outside world and that is why we survive, even thrive. We want nothing with your modern ways or problems.
DUKE
In that case, Captain Lukrov, give us the Great Seal of Alaska. Because without that seal, the United States will lose that seal to an evil force named Cobra.
CAPT. LUKROV
Enough! Seal is precious object, not to be handed over to smooth-talking Yankee trader. Put him with the other prisoners.
EXT. ROMANOV VILLAGE
INT. ROMANOV - HOLD
COL. BREKHOV
Good afternoon, Comrade Duke. I see you received same reception as Red Oktober.
GUNG-HO
Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!
ROADBLOCK
Hold it, man, hold it!
SCARLETT
The Cossacks didn't like your looks, right, Brekhov?
COL. BREKHOV
Hmm. That is meat of subject. Dah.
DUKE
No, that's not the meat of the subject, Brekhov. We've got to deliver the Great Seal of Alaska all the way down to Juneau. Thanks to your interference, we'll never make it, and Cobra will get Alaska.
COL. BREKHOV
I am very much regretting, Comrade Duke.
EXT. ROMANOV VILLAGE
BARONESS
Cobra!
INT. ROMANOV - HOLD
DUKE
Cobra! They must've followed both of us here to find the real seal!
EXT. ROMANOV VILLAGE
INT. CITY HALL
EXT. ROMANOV VILLAGE
BARONESS
I have the seal! Alaska belongs to us!
BARONESS
Get me out of here, you idiots!
CAPT. LUKROV
I...I refused to help, and look what happened! They destroy what took century to build. Worst of all, they...they steal Great Seal. Our czar never trust us again.
DUKE
Let's make a deal, Lukrov. We'll retrieve your seal if we can use it to counter Cobra's claim on Alaska. And when we bring it back, we'll help you rebuild your town.
COL. BREKHOV
Red Oktober will help also. Cobra must not succeed.
CAPT. LUKROV
You would give word on this deal?
DUKE
My word, and my hand.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Sure this shortcut'll get us ahead of Cobra?
CAPT. LUKROV
Within an hour.
HORRORSHOW
You're not scared, my good friend, are you?
ROADBLOCK [in Gung-Ho's voice]
Scared? Who's scared?
SCARLETT
The seal!
DAINA
I...I have it!
DUKE
Well, we finally got the seal.
SCARLETT
But how are we gonna get it to Juneau before Cobra takes over?
GUNG-HO
Hey, Duke! I got Joe Headquarters. They're sending SkyStrikers, but the weather's lousy. They may not get through.
DUKE
Captain Lukrov?
CAPT. LUKROV
Dah.
DUKE
Have you been keeping the Romanov seaworthy?
CAPT. LUKROV
Dah. But we are still blocked by ice.
DUKE
Don't count on it.
EXT. ROMANOV - DAY
DUKE
Steer a southerly course, Captain. We're headed for Juneau.
COL. BREKHOV
Correction, comrade. I'm afraid our journey will take us west for Mother Russia.
GUNG-HO
Why you dirty....
COL. BREKHOV
The seal, please. The seal!
WILD WEASEL
Stop that ship!
ACE
Let's clean up that mess, guys!
SCARLETT
Duke, look!
WILD WEASEL
No! Retreat!
EXT. ROMANOV - DAY
DUKE
The seal, please. The seal, comrade.
COL. BREKHOV
You've earned it.
INT. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
DUKE
Game's over, "Honest Gerky."
SCARLETT
Alaska's back where she belongs.
GUNG-HO
In the good ol' U. S. of A.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Goodbye, (X) Potemkin.
POTEMKIN
Hey, guys, don't leave me flat! We can pull a string, twist an arm, do something!
