Where is she? Where is that no good, thieving Madam Versailles? Nobody rips off Jezebel and gets away with it!
ATTENDANT
Please, Miss Jezebel. Don't make a scene. Madam V is waiting for you in her office.
JEZEBEL
Good. I wanna talk to her!
FLINT
She's on her way inside.
INT. VERSAILLES RESIDENCE - OFFICE
ATTENDANT
Uh, Madam Versailles, this is....
MADAM VERSAILLES
Yes. Jezebel, the brash young upstart who claims that which is mine!
JEZEBEL
Listen, sweetheart! You swiped my youth treatment!
MADAM VERSAILLES
Why you unprincipled tart! The youth treatment has been a secret in my family for generations!
LAWYER
Ladies, ladies, please! We're here to settle this matter, not escalate it! Now, both parties have agreed to let the other look at their secret treatments as a show of, uh, good faith, to prove neither stole ideas from the other. Madam Versailles, if you would start?
MADAM VERSAILLES
Yes. But not until she shows me hers.
JEZEBEL
Okay.
MADAM VERSAILLES
What's this?
ZARANA
Thanks, blokes. Cobra will pay a pretty penny for your age control formula.
FLINT
Careful, Zarana! You might have to eat those words!
ZARANA
Eat this!
ZARANA
Nice try, Madam!
EXT. MALIBU - VERSAILLES RESIDENCE
ZARANA
There are Joes in the area! Guard my escape!
BEACH HEAD
Zarana's gettin' away with the formula!
BEACH HEAD AND LOW-LIGHT
Yo Joe!
TORCH
Yo Joe this, dog breath!
BUZZER
Right on!
DIAL-TONE
Let's clean up some of this filth.
BEACH HEAD
Way to go, Dial-Tone!
ZARANA
Pinheads!
LOW-LIGHT
Blast! Outta range!
BEACH HEAD
And they got away with the only copy of Versailles' secret process!
EXT. CITY - ABN-TV BUILDING
INT. TV STUDIO
FLINT
I want to thank you for making the time to see us, Sparks. We really need your help.
SPARKS
Hey, anything to help old comrades-in-arms. Once a Joe, always a Joe.
LADY JAYE
We've been trying to figure out the connection between Cobra and Madam Versailles' formula.
SPARKS
I think I can help you. After you called, I had this tape pulled from the network library. It may be the connection you're lookin' for.
DONNA DASHER [Lisa Raggio]
Hi. I'm Donna Dasher.
BRETT TINKER [Frank Welker?]
And I'm Brett Tinker.
DONNA DASHER
And we're here to tell you why we're so young and beautiful.
BRETT TINKER
The reason is the Ageless Care process.
FLINT
I'm impressed. That's a pretty big endorsement from two of the biggest stars in America.
LADY JAYE
I'll say. Donna Dasher is a top box-office draw, and Tinker was voted the NFL's Most Valuable Player last year.
SPARKS
That's not the half of it. They're doing the ads for nothing, free!
LADY JAYE
That doesn't make sense.
SPARKS
There's more. Ageless Care is a subsidiary of Extensive Enterprises.
FLINT
Cobra's corporation. I don't get it. What do they hope to gain from all this?
LADY JAYE
I don't know, but we'd better send a team out to the Ageless Care Spa in Calfornia and find out.
EXT. SAN PEDRO BAY - DAY
FLINT
Investigative work's a bit out of our line, Lady Jaye.
LADY JAYE
Well, the boys could use a change of pace.
SAILOR #1
Hey, watch where you're goin', you stupid...!
SAILOR #2
How did you get your license? By mail order?
DIAL-TONE
Sorry!
BOY
Grandpa! Look, up in the sky!
FLINT
Hey!
SCI-FI
Hey, guys.
DIAL-TONE
Hi there, Flint, Lady Jaye.
FLINT
I hope they can....
JAZZ MUSICIAN
Hey, look at that crazy motorbike!
MAINFRAME
Hey, what's happenin'?
FLINT
I hope they can get here without....
LADY JAYE
You hope they can get here without what, Flint?
FLINT
Without being too conspicuous.
EXT. LONG BEACH NAVAL YARD
INT. NAVAL YARD - BRIEFING ROOM
DONNA DASHER
Hi. I'm Donna Dasher.
BRETT TINKER
And I'm Brett Tinker.
DONNA DASHER
And we're here to tell you why we're so young and beautiful.
BRETT TINKER
The reason is the Ageless Care process.
BEACH HEAD
You dragged us three thousand miles from Headquarters just to watch commercials?
FLINT
It appears that Extensive Enterprises is behind the Ageless Care process, and where Extensive Enterprises is, Cobra can't be wriggling far behind.
BEACH HEAD
Well, if I were in charge of this mission, I'd stage a direct assault....
FLINT
But you're not.
MAINFRAME
Thank goodness.
BEACH HEAD
I heard that.
FLINT
Sit down, Beach Head.
FLINT
Now listen everybody, we're gonna divide up into three teams. Lady Jaye and Gung-Ho will monitor the Ageless Care Spa. Dial-Tone and Mainframe will pay Tinker a visit. And Sci-Fi and I will visit Miss Dasher on the set of her new movie.
SCI-FI
Yeah! I can dig that.
LADY JAYE
Figures.
EXT. MOVIE SET - DAY
DONNA DASHER
If you really wanna find out what commercials I've done, you should contact my manager.
FLINT
But Miss Dasher, all we need to know is why you're doing the Ageless Care commercials for nothing.
DONNA DASHER
I said, call my manager and stop buggin' me!
SCI-FI
Well, now what, boss?
FLINT
Let's hang around and get another try later.
DONNA DASHER
Henry, lend me your whistle a sec.
HENRY
Miss Dasher, no!
FLINT
What the...
FLINT
Let's get outta here!
FLINT
Sci-Fi, up here!
SCI-FI
Right behind you!
FLINT
Look out!
SCI-FI
We've gotta stop those elephants!
FLINT
Flash grenades. These'll brighten up their day.
FLINT
Let's round up these pachyderms!
SCI-FI
They're headin' for the commissary!
FLINT
Get close to 'em! I'll try to turn 'em with these!
FLINT
Closer! Closer!
FLINT
Let's try to corral these doggies at Stage Nine!
SCI-FI
Lotsa luck!
FLINT
Closer!
INT. STAGE NINE
DIRECTOR
Hold it, everybody! Quiet on the set! Roll camera! Roll camera, and...action!
DIRECTOR
Cut! Cut! This is not in the script!
EXT. STAGE NINE
FLINT
Get those doors!
SCI-FI
Nothin' like a little excitement.
FLINT
Yeah, courtesy of Miss Dasher.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
QUARTERBACK
Seventy-four! Twenty-three! Split right on two! Hut!
MAINFRAME
Boy, that Brett Tinker sure can kick a football. Ah, here he comes.
BRETT TINKER
You guys wanna talk to me?
MAINFRAME
Yeah. You did a commercial for the Ageless Care process.
BRETT TINKER
So? Is there a law against that?
DIAL-TONE
We're just wondering why you refused payment.
BRETT TINKER
I'll tell you what. Wait right here. I'll have an answer for you in a minute.
DIAL-TONE
What do you think he means by that?
BRETT TINKER
Now listen. There's a couple of guys over there I could do without. Give me red left twenty-five with some pass interference and, uh, a little unnecessary roughness. Get my drift?
BRETT TINKER
First down! Seventy-two, fifteen, twenty-nine! Hut! Hut! Hut-hut!
MAINFRAME
Hey! My first pro interception!
MAINFRAME
Uh-oh.
INT. NAVAL YARD - BRIEFING ROOM
LADY JAYE
Twenty-seven minor cuts and abrasions, but no serious injuries. You guys were lucky.
FLINT
Yeah. We received violent reactions from both of the stars we interviewed.
LADY JAYE
Well, I learned something. Each of those stars works out at the Ageless Care Spa, right here in Beverly Hills.
FLINT
Then that's our next stop.
LADY JAYE
Wait a minute. Maybe it would be a good idea to change into something a little less conspicuous.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - AGELESS CARE SPA
MAINFRAME
Man, have you ever seen so many Rolls Royces and Bentleys in all your life?
DIAL-TONE
In these duds, we fit right in!
FLINT
Yeah, but how can anybody work out in clothes like these?
LADY JAYE
It's Beverly Hills, Flint. It's style, not sweat that counts here.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - LOBBY
FLINT
Oh, uh, good morning. We have an appointment.
"GUIDE"
Ah, yes. We've been expecting you. Welcome to the Ageless Care Spa.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - GYM
DR. MINDBENDER
Look at them The nincompoops. Their disguises don't fool me. Prepare the steam and sun rooms. Our problems with the Joes will soon be over.
"GUIDE"
Okay, everybody. That'll do it for your first workout. Now let's visit the sun and steam rooms. You're really going to enjoy this.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - STEAM ROOM
"GUIDE"
This is the steam room. Step in and try it out. Tiny will assist you. The rest of you step this way. I'll show you to the sun room.
TINY
Just make yourselves comfortable. I'll set the timer for five minutes.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - SUN ROOM
"GUIDE"
All of you just relax. I'll set the timer for five minutes.
GUNG-HO
I don't know. There's somethin' strange about this place, Flint.
FLINT
I know. But there's a Cobra connection here, and we've got to find it.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA
TINY
All set, Zarana.
ZARANA
Good. Now let's join Dr. Mindbender.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - STEAM ROOM
LADY JAYE
I...I feel weird. Maybe...maybe we should get outta here.
MAINFRAME
I...I agree.
DIAL-TONE
Hey, what's happening to me?
LADY JAYE
The steam is...is shrinking us!
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - SUN ROOM
FLINT
There's somethin' funny goin' on.
SCI-FI
Look! My hands!
FLINT
The light! It's...aging us! We've gotta get outta here.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - CONTROL CENTER
DR. MINDBENDER
Well done, Zarana. Tiny, go dispose of them.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - STEAM ROOM
LADY JAYE
I can't budge it!
MAINFRAME
Let's all try!
DIAL-TONE
It's no use. We don't have the strength.
LADY JAYE
Well, look at us! We have the bodies of seven-year-olds!
DIAL-TONE
I wonder what's happened to the others?
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - SUN ROOM
FLINT
Gung-Ho, Sci-Fi, give me a hand.
SCI-FI
Can't. Too weak.
GUNG-HO
I'll help you.
FLINT
On three. One...two....
TINY
Three!
FLINT
Cobra Vipers. Run for it!
TINY
Come on, old man. Time for your nap!
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - STEAM ROOM
LADY JAYE
There's action out in the hall. Everybody close to the door. When they open the door, rush 'em!
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - HALL
DIAL-TONE
Yo Joe!
VIPER
Not so fast, pee-wee
DIAL-TONE
Who you callin' pee-wee?
LADY JAYE
Now let's find the rest of the team.
ZARANA
Good luck, Mainframe.
LADY JAYE, DIAL-TONE, AND MAINFRAME
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Lady Jaye, what happened to you?
LADY JAYE
Me? You don't look so hot yourself, Flint.
MAINFRAME
They're here! Hurry!
LADY JAYE
Come on, old timer.
EXT. AGELESS CARE SPA
LADY JAYE
Come on!
FLINT
We're comin'.
GUNG-HO
Fast as we can!
POLICEWOMAN
Hey, what's goin' on?
LADY JAYE
Officer, arrest that man! He's a Cobra Viper! He's trying to capture us!
POLICEWOMAN
So he's a Cobra Viper, is he?
LADY JAYE
That's right. Cobra's got some sort of undercover operation going on in that health spa.
POLICEWOMAN
I see. And who are all of you supposed to be? The Six Musketeers? Now scram! I've got enough hooligans on my beat! Go! Get outta here!
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL CENTER
EXT. AGELESS CARE SPA
LADY JAYE
No signs of life. Cobra must've split. You guys stay here and keep an eye...uh-oh.
LADY JAYE
C'mon. I'm gonna try and get inside.
LADY JAYE
Give me a boost. I think I can get in through that vent.
MAINFRAME
Watch out for their security systems. No tellin' what Cobra's got rigged up in there.
INT. AGELESS CARE SPA - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Cobra's security system!
LADY JAYE
Look out! Get away from the doors!
MAINFRAME
Looks like we're not gettin' in tonight.
DONNA DASHER
But you must get in. If you don't, my career will be ruined!
FLINT
Miss Dasher! What happened?
DONNA DASHER
I told Ageless Care I wasn't going to do any more free commercials, and they did this to me! They robbed me of my youth.
FLINT
Well, you should've told us what they were up to when you had the chance. Now they've cleared out.
DONNA DASHER
Can't you contact your Headquarters and tell them what happened?
MAINFRAME
We can't show up like this. It's too embarrassing.
SCI-FI
If we could only reverse the process.
DONNA DASHER
Maybe....
FLINT
Maybe what?
DONNA DASHER
Well, they have a factory out in the desert. They took me there once to shoot a commercial.
LADY JAYE
Track out your Cobra credit card, Miss Dasher. We're gonna make some late night purchases.
EXT. AGELESS CARE FACTORY - SUNRISE
SERPENTOR
A job well done, Dr. Mindbender. Once the world understands we own the anti-aging process, their fantasy will beat a path to our door.
DR. MINDBENDER
Striking the enemy's weakest point is always wise strategy, O great Serpentor.
GUARD
This is private property! Beat it!
FLINT
Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to Yuma Road?
DIAL-TONE (?)
Can we get a hamburger, Grandpa?
MAINFRAME (?)
How much further....
FLINT
Grandkids. Takin' 'em on a vacation. Got a restroom they can use? It's been a long trip.
GUARD
Aw, all right. First building on your left, but no snoopin' around.
LADY JAYE
We've gotta find the prototype sun and steam rooms. That's the only way we can reverse the process.
SERPENTOR
Who is that? What kind of security is this? Arrest the main gate guards, and seize that van!
DR. MINDBENDER
Stop! You're trespassing! Stop!
FLINT
Hello, Dr. Mindbender. Remember us?
DR. MINDBENDER
What?
LADY JAYE, DIAL-TONE, AND MAINFRAME
Yo Joe!
GUNG-HO
This'll put a little color in your cheeks!
CRIMSON GUARD
It's paint!
FLINT
When them Joes don't have weapons, they improvise!
DONNA DASHER
Yeah, and I charged it to Cobra!
SERPENTOR
No one takes the great Serpentor by surprise! No one! Out of my way, this I command!
STRATO-VIPER [Bill Ratner]
Sir, no! You must not endanger yourself! Let us escort you to safety!
SERPENTOR
Yes. Perhaps you're right.
ZARANA
Hold it, small fry.
MAINFRAME
Zarana!
ZARANA
I figured we'd run into each other again, Mainframe.
MAINFRAME
Yeah.
ZARANA
Look, we ain't got much time. The prototype sun room and steam room are in there. And you'll need this. It's Madam Versailles' secret procedure.
MAINFRAME
Thanks. Now you'd better get lost before someone spots us.
DR. MINDBENDER
Bring them to me!
LADY JAYE
Let me go!
DR. MINDBENDER
All but one accounted for. Where could he be?
MAINFRAME
Up here, lame brain!
DR. MINDBENDER
He's back to normal!
MAINFRAME
Yes. I found the prototype sun and steam rooms in the....
DR. MINDBENDER
Come down from there or....
MAINFRAME
Or what? I reprogrammed the rooms, Dr. Mindbender. In five minutes they're gonna short out and blow up this whole factory.
DR. MINDBENDER
You're bluffing!
(Note: There's a break in my tape at this point. I'm not sure if I'm missing anything.)
MAINFRAME
Four minutes, thirty seconds.
DR. MINDBENDER
Come back! It's a hoax! Bah! Cowards, all cowards! You--you're lying!
EXT. AGELESS CARE FACTORY - DAY
MAINFRAME
You know, for once Dr. Mindbender was tellin' the truth. There was no booby trapped. I really was bluffin'.
LADY JAYE
Flint, we made a slight miscalculation.
FLINT
Miscalculation? What's wrong?
LADY JAYE
I think I've grown a little too big for my britches.
