Not a sign of 'em, Duke. But there's an oasis just ahead.
GUNG-HO
Did you see any cruddy Cobra agents around here, fella?
BARBECUE
He wouldn't know a Cobra agent from apple butter.
DUSTY
Affendi, we seek twin brothers riding vehicles similar to ours.
ARAB
There, to the south. They ride that way.
DUSTY
Our gratitude, affendi.
DUSTY
Me and that camel jockey got a lot in common. He loves the desert same as I do.
EXT. DESERT - DAY
DUSTY
Duke, look!
DUKE
It's them, all right. Let's go!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) G. I. Joe in (T) hot pursuit. Shoot!
GUNG-HO
I was hopin' they'd try somethin'!
DUKE
Remember, aim for their tires!
DUSTY
Duke, we got company!
DUKE
Not company, competition! The Oktober Guard!
BARBECUE
Who are they?
DUKE
The Russian version of G. I. Joe. An elite combat force!
GUNG-HO
Ah, Ruskies! Next to a toothache, there's nothin' I hate more than a Ruskie!
DUSTY
Duke, we gotta turn back! That dune ahead!
GUNG-HO
What about it?
DUSTY
It's not a dune!
DUKE
It's a Cobra truck!
BARBECUE
We're outgunned, badly!
GUNG-HO
So? Let's take 'em!
DUKE
There's a difference between courage and stupidity! Retreat!
DUSTY
We might be in a little trouble here.
GUNG-HO
Just 'cause we're outnumbered twenty to one?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Moderation, gentlemen. (X) We mustn't kill them (T and X) all.
BARBECUE
Now what?
DUKE
It's the Oktober Guard.
GUNG-HO
I knew it! Those sneaky Russian rats, tryin' to get us while our backs are turned!
DUKE
No! They're shooting at Cobra!
DUSTY
They're helpin' us?
DUKE
They're helping themselves. Cobra's their enemy, too.
DUSTY
What is that?
DUKE
Whoever they are, I hope they're on our side.
DUKE
Ain't that somethin'.
DUSTY
They sure are.
GUNG-HO
But what?
DUKE
Hold your fire!
GUNG-HO
Holy!
ALIEN
Here me well, men of Earth. I shall speak but once. We have taken two specimens for examination. When we have completed our experiments, your planet will be informed of its fate.
DUSTY
Hold it! Who are you? Where are you from?
ALIEN
Our world circles the star Sirius.
BARBECUE
I wouldn't care to be one of those Twins.
DUKE
Imagine taking Xamot and Tomax as examples of humanity.
GUNG-HO
Colonel Sharp's gonna have our heads. He sent us out to nab Xamot and Tomax, and what are we goin' back with? A story even I don't believe. On the other hand, the trip doesn't have to be a total loss....
COL. BREKHOV [Gregg Berger?]
I do not think the American likes us.
HORRORSHOW [Chris Latta?]
Good. I am not liking him. He is ugly.
GUNG-HO
Did you say what I think you said? Yeah, you said it!
DUKE
Gung-Ho, as you were! Gung-Ho! Attention!
GUNG-HO
Yes, sir!
HORRORSHOW
Good. You stand like that, it's easy to hit your ugliness.
COL. BREKHOV
You will hit no one, Sergeant Horrorshow!
HORRORSHOW
Dah, Colonel.
DUKE
So, you're Colonel Brekhov.
COL. BREKHOV
At your service. And you are?
DUKE
Call me Duke. Looks like we've got a situation here, Colonel.
COL. BREKHOV
Dah. Our orders do not cover an encounter with you.
DUKE
Ditto. Well, we could walk away and pretend it didn't happen.
COL. BREKHOV
Dah, comrade. I agree.
GUNG-HO
You're just gonna let 'em go?
DUKE
That's exactly what we're gonna do.
COL. BREKHOV
Do svidanye.
GUNG-HO
There'll be another time, you dumb Russian bear.
HORROSHOW
Ugly! Ugly!
EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS
COL. SHARP (V.O.)
Within the last twenty-four hours, these strange craft have attacked a Russian oil refinery, an American airfield, an American tanker, a Russian observator, and part of the Alaska pipeline. They're already squabbling like cats and dogs at the United Nations.
INT. UNITED NATIONS
SOVIET AMBASSADOR [Michael Bell]
The Soviet people will not tolerate these unprovoked attacks by the American imperialists!
US AMBASSADOR [Frank Welker]
Your government is behind this outrage, Mr. Ambassador, and the United States will not stand for it.
SOVIET AMBASSADOR
Nor will the proud Soviet republic bow to these imperialist threats!
INT. COL. SHARP'S OFFICE
DUSTY
They sound like Gung-Ho and that guy Horroshow.
COL. SHARP
So we've got a crisis on our hands. Unless the crisis is resolved....
DUKE
We get the idea, Colonel Sharp.
COL. SHARP
On orders from the President, you're to drop everything else and find these flying saucers.
DUKE
Colonel, I have a plan.
EXT. ARCTIC OCEAN - SUB
DUKE (V.O.)
Do you think the Navy could lend us a submarine?
INT. SUB
DUKE
How we doin', Cutter?
CUTTER
About to go under the ice cap.
GUNG-HO
So, we're gonna bust into the Oktober Guard's headquarters, huh? Only instead of fightin', we're gonna talk?
DUKE
The Russians may have information we don't.
GUNG-HO
And you think they're just gonna share it? Duke, could I interest you in some ocean-front land in Missouri?
CUTTER
Better get ready, troops. We're here.
EXT. SIBERIA - DAY
BARBECUE
So we are. But where's here?
DUKE
The rim of an ice crater in Siberia. It's ringed with radar and anti-aircraft defenses. The Oktober Guard is inside, below the ice floe.
GUNG-HO
But how are we gonna get in? Knock and say we're the welcome wagon?
DUKE
Ever been to the circus, Gung-Ho? Ever seen a human cannonball?
GUNG-HO
Oh, now, wait a minute. Not me, pal. You're not shootin' this leatherneck...
GUNG-HO
...outta some cannon!
DUKE
It's the only way to get past their defenses. Now, let's go!
INT. OKTOBER GUARD HEADQUARTERS
COL. BREKHOV
Security alarm!
EXT. OKTOBER GUARD HEADQUARTERS
DUKE
Colonel....
COL. BREKHOV
Halt! This time the situation is clear. You have invaded us, and the penalty is death.
DUKE
Our mission here is peaceful, Colonel Brekhov.
COL. BREKHOV
Say nothing! You will wait in the stockade until we notify the Kremlin!
STORMAVICH [Stan Jones?]
Then we shoot you.
HORRORSHOW
Inside, ugly.
GUNG-HO
If you didn't have that gun, you dumb Russian bear....
HORRORSHOW
You think I need gun?
GUNG-HO
Like I said!
DAINA
American ski devil! Release me!
COL. BREKHOV
Stop! Stop!
DUKE
The fight's over, as of now!
DUKE
Colonel, I believe this is yours.
GUNG-HO
Duke, you crazy?
DUKE
I told you, we came on a mission of peace. I meant it.
COL. BREKHOV
Perhaps we should talk.
INT. OKTOBER GUARD HEADQUARTERS
COL. BREKHOV
Soviet Intelligent knows no more about these space men than you do, Sergeant.
DUKE
But if we combine forces, we might discover what they want.
COL. BREHKOV
And how to beat them.
GUNG-HO
Yeah, it'll be real cozy. Just don't stick me with that dumb Russian bear.
DUKE
That's exactly who you are teaming with, Gung-Ho.
GUNG-HO
What?
DUKE
I'm not lettin' either one of you yahoos outta my sight. You're on my squad. So's Horroshow. That's final. And they'll make up the rest of our team.
WONG [Frank Welker?]
Put her there, pardner. Name is Wong. You are Snake-Eyes, right?
COL. BREKHOV
Dusty, Stormavich, Barbecue, and Daina will be my squad. My group will scout for the saucers over Eastern Europe.
DUKE
And mine over North America. Move out!
JOES
Yo Joe!
OKTOBER GUARD
Nu pogodi!
EXT. SIBERIA - OKTOBER GUARD HEADQUARTERS
EXT. SURVEILLANCE PLANE - NIGHT
INT. SURVEILLANCE PLANE
GUNG-HO
Aw, can't you turn that thing off? I'm tryin' to get some sack time!
HORRORSHOW
It is my duty to monitor the world's broadcasts. And always Horrorshow does his duty.
GUNG-HO
I'll push your duty up your nose.
HORRORSHOW
Quiet, ugly. Something strange.
ALIEN
Listen well, people of Earth, for I shall not repeat myself. I am broadcasting from the moon. In exactly twenty-four hours, I shall destroy two of your cities: San Francisco in the United States, and Vladivostok in Russia. This will be your only warning. Surrender unconditionally to me, or I shall destroy all your cities.
GUNG-HO
Next to that clown, even Cobra looks tame.
COL. SHARP (COMM.)
Calling Joe Unit Alpha.
DUKE
We read you, Colonel Sharp..
COL. SHARP
The President is taking the alien's threat seriously, Duke. The Air Force is scrambling all available aircraft. The Army is mobilizing and the Navy is recalling ships from all over the globe.
DUKE
All heading for San Francisco, Colonel?
COL. SHARP
You've got it, Duke. We hear that the Russians are busy, too, massing their forces at Vladivostok.
DUKE
Any orders for us?
COL. SHARP
Not yet. Just stand by and be ready to jump, in any direction.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
WONG
Jump? From the top of this here building? Ain't we done enough falling for one day? Well, I reckon we have, and....
WONG
Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!
COBRA OFFICER #1
What is that?
COBRA OFFICER #2
Whatever it is, it's flyin' a G. I. Joe glider! Bring it down!
WONG
Tarnation!
COBRA OFFICER #1
There he is!
WONG
H-how's about givin' a man a hand up, huh?
COBRA OFFICER #1
We'll give you somethin', all right!
WONG
Ah, thanks a heap, pard!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER
WONG
Whoa, nelly!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HOLDING ROOM
WONG
Thunderation!
TOMAX AND XAMOT (O.C.)
(X) Drop your weapons (T) outside the cage!
WONG
Reckon we ain't got much choice.
WONG
Lookee who's comin'! Last time I see you polecats, you were getting pulled into flying saucer!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) We cut a deal (T) with the alien. (T and X) Lower the cage.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Step out.
WONG
What you all got in mind for us?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) A close (T) encounter, (T and X) painfully.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - ROOF
INT. FLYING SAUCER
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Put them (X) on the tables.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Return to your posts.
ALIEN
Welcome. I see you've brought me fresh specimens? Yes, I shall learn much from examining these two.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
ALIEN (V.O.)
Your friends, the Joe Team and the Oktober Guard--where are they?
INT. FLYING SAUCER ONE
WONG
What do you care, you bug-eyed owl-hoot?
"ARAB"
I would not wish them to interfere, affendi....
ZARTAN
...with Cobra's battle plan.
WONG
I'll be dang-blasted! Zartan!
BUZZER
Yeah, and this ain't no flyin' saucer, neither, sport.
RIPPER
It's a Cobra airship, that's what.
TORCH
Right, made up to look like a bloody saucer.
WONG
I don't savvy. Why all this here play-acting?
BUZZER
Tell 'em, Zartan.
TORCH
Yeah, it ain't like they'll live long enough to pass it on.
ZARTAN
Return to your posts!
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Saucer Two calling Saucer One! Come in, Saucer One. Answer me.
ZARTAN
Saucer One here, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Zartan, what have you learned from the captives?
ZARTAN
Enough. They were certainly startled to learn my true identity. So we can conclude that neither G. I. Joe nor the Oktober Guard suspects the truth.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. Then both of the so-called superpowers have fallen for our trick.
EXT. VLADIVOSTOK - CITY SQUARE
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
The Russians have concentrated their military forces in Vladivostok.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
And the American forces are massing in San Francisco.
INT. FLYING SAUCER ONE
ZARTAN
Leaving the Kremlin and the White House completely undefended. Lovely.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes. And our troops are quietly surrounding both places, disguised as tourists and ordinary motorists. At eighteen hundred hours I shall order them to attack, and by nineteen hundred hours, Cobra will own the White House and the Kremlin.
ZARTAN
And the military secrets of both nations will be ours for the taking.
COBRA COMMANDER
Exactly. Proceed according to plan, Zartan. Saucer Two out.
ZARTAN
So, now you know. Which means, of course, you must perish.
ZARTAN
Any last words?
ZARTAN
No!
WONG
We got to warn your people and my people!
WONG
You figure out how to fly this thing while I get on the TV!
EXT. SURVEILLANCE PLANE - NIGHT
INT. SURVEILLANCE PLANE
HORRORSHOW
Sergeant Duke, come quick! Message from Comrade Wong!
WONG
Savvy? It's Cobra fakeroo! Forget Frisco and Vladivostok! High tail it for Washington, D.C., and Moscow, pronto!
GUNG-HO
Say we do and it turns out to be a Russian fakeroo?
DUKE
It's not, and there's your proof. Get word to the pilot. Top speed to Washington. Radio Brekhov. Tell him to head for Moscow, and call Joe Headquarters for reinforcements..
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NIGHT
INT. SAUCER TWO
COBRA COMMANDER
Eighteen hundred hours. Attack!
EXT. MOSCOW - KREMLIN
COBRAS
Cobra!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - WHITE HOUSE
COBRAS
Cobra!
GUNG-HO AND DUKE
Yo Joe!
HORRORSHOW
Nu pogodi!
COBRA
G. I. Joe and the Oktober Guard!
DUKE
The three of us gotta keep 'em busy until the reinforcements arrive!
GUNG-HO
We'll manage!
EXT. MOSCOW - KREMLIN
COL. BREKHOV
Drive the snakes from our motherland! Nu pogodi!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - WHITE HOUSE
DUKE
Where are those blasted reinforcements?
HORRORSHOW
He may be roasted alive!
HORRORSHOW
You are hurt bad?
GUNG-HO
Naw, just bruised.
HORRORSHOW
Then why we wait? Cobras to be defeating!
GUNG-HO
SkyStrikers! Hot dog!
INT. SAUCER TWO
COBRA COMMANDER
No! No! Saucer One! Zartan, answer me! What?
WONG
Throw down your irons and come out grabbing the sky.
INT. SAUCER ONE
COBRA COMMANDER
No. I may not occupy the White House, but I can still destroy it!
EXT. MOSCOW - KREMLIN
COL. BREKHOV
They turn! They run!
DUSTY
We win! We win! Nu pogodi, gorgeous!
DAINA
Dah. And to you! Yo Joseph!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - WHITE HOUSE
GUNG-HO
Duke, up there! Am I seein' things?
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
You will suffer for this!
GUNG-HO
They're dogfightin'!
EXT. SIBERIA - OKTOBER GUARD HEADQUARTERS
INT. OKTOBER GUARD HEADQUARTERS
GUNG-HO
There's still one thing I don't get. How the heck did Snake-Eyes get wise to Cobra's scheme?
ALIEN
I am broadcasting from the moon. In exactly twenty-four hours, I shall destroy two of your cities.
GUNG-HO
Well, son of a gun! A milk carton and a human hand--two things you don't find many of on the moon, huh?
HORRORSHOW
Hey, Gung-Ho, how come Snake-Eyes getting all the brains, and you getting all the ugly?
