They're too evenly matched! What use is a simulation that can't give us what we need most--an edge to grant Cobra total, lasting victory?
DR. MINDBENDER
I think we may have just such an edge, O great Serpentor.
SERPENTOR
With what? Toys?
DR. MINDBENDER
I've learned that General Hawk is flying to Europe. Now is the time to strike.
SERPENTOR
In case you've forgotten, General Hawk is only the apex of the G. I. Joe command structure.
SERPENTOR
Beneath him is an equally strong and competent cadre of leaders--Duke, Flint, Beach Head, Sergeant Slaughter.
DR. MINDBENDER
Ah, but what if I infiltrated the Department of Defense personnel records to promote three Joes to the rank of colonel?
SERPENTOR
And how will that help Cobra conquer the world for me, Dr. Mindbender?
DR. MINDBENDER
I will cripple G. I. Joe by promoting the three Joes most likely to undermine their morale and efficiency.
SERPENTOR
Shipwreck, Dial-Tone, and Lifeline, eh? Perfect. Dr. Mindbender, unleash your scheme. This I command!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
DIAL-TONE
Ah, my satellite tracking system is gonna be perfect, Mainframe. Perfect.
MAINFRAME
Uh, if I were you, I'd do a little more re-engineering on some of your sub-systems, Dial-Tone.
DIAL-TONE
Aw, Mainframe, why do you have to go throw cold water on everything?
MAINFRAME
Well, when you hot air gets out on thin ice, cold water is what you get.
MAINFRAME
Hey, look out!
MAINFRAME
Looks like spring thaw came early this year!
WET-SUIT
Forward, forward. Just a little bit forward. You jarheads know what forward is, don't you?
LEATHERNECK
Yeah. It's the way a SEAL behaves on a first date.
WET-SUIT
Stupid jarhead! A block and tackle is too complicated for you? They've only been usin' 'em for ten thousand years.
LEATHERNECK
I can handle a block and tackle! You can't set the brake pins properly!
LIFELINE
I heard a crash! Are you two okay?
LEATHERNECK
No, we ain't okay! Wet-Suit here's gonna need a hospital in about two seconds.
LIFELINE
Hey, now cut it out! You don't wanna fight each other.
LEATHERNECK AND WET-SUIT
The heck we don't!
ROADBLOCK
Hey, you two! You're supposed to be brothers! Save your fight for Cobra and the others! Now, who started this?
LEATHERNECK AND WET-SUIT
He did!
LEATHERNECK
He didn't set the brake pins!
WET-SUIT
That wasn't my job! That was...Shipwreck's!
EXT. WOODS - DAY
TELE-VIPER
Quick. Attach the computer bypass.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM
EXT. WOODS - DAY
TELE-VIPER
Tele-Viper Squad Six to Dr. Mindbender. Ready to insert bogus messages into Joe Department of Defense computer traffic.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM
MAINFRAME
Lifeline, Dial-Tone, and Shipwreck?
BEACH HEAD
These three? Promoted to colonel? This doesn't make sense. Shipwreck isn't even in the Army!
MAINFRAME
Tell me about it. I contacted DOD twice for confirmation and got the same answer.
BEACH HEAD
But why these three particular Joes? Why not Roadblock, or, or Slip-Stream? Or...or me?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
BEACH HEAD
You'd better stop workin' on that, Dial-Tone.
DIAL-TONE
Aw, Beach Head, I've almost got this licked.
BEACH HEAD
Colonels don't have time to waste on that kind of work.
DIAL-TONE
Colonel? Ow!
LIFELINE
Back off! Come on, fellas, back off!
SHIPWRECK
Hey, back off! Quit shakin' the pile!
LEATHERNECK
You stupid sailor!
BEACH HEAD
All right, at ease! Shipwreck and Lifeline, front and center!
LEATHERNECK
Huh? I can understand him wantin' to chew out Shipwreck, but Lifeline?
SHIPWRECK
Yeah, what's up, Beach Head?
BEACH HEAD
Read 'em and weep.
LIFELINE
Oh, no! This is terrible!
WET-SUIT
What's wrong? Been transferred?
LIFELINE
No, worse. I've been promoted.
SHIPWRECK
Both of us! To colonel! Boy, oh boy, somebody finally realized my potential. You sorry sons of dog faces are gonna really snap to, now that Colonel Shipwreck is here.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
Okay, ya mangy landlubbers! Atten-hut!
LIFELINE
Shipwreck, don't throw your rank around. They won't like it.
SHIPWRECK
Ah, they won't mind. Besides, they need a little discipline.
DIAL-TONE
Well, according to the duty roster, we're scheduled for a drill on the armor range and test-loading new weapons.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - ARMOR RANGE
CROSS-COUNTRY
Uh, Colonel Dial-Tone, sir? I don't think Duke or Flint's gonna be all that appreciative of you messin' with the HAVOC guidance system.
DIAL-TONE
Look, Cross-Country, since I'm an officer, I don't think anyone will object if I implement a few...improvements to the system.
LIFELINE
Nope. Nope, I'm not gonna do it. I refuse to let you drive any vehicles with weapons on them.
THUNDER [Jack Angel]
Beggin' your pardon, Colonel Lifeline, but this is a combat unit. How do we practice without weapons?
LIFELINE
Well, I suppose we could dismount and disarm the weapons.
SHIPWRECK
All right, all right! Shape it up! Especially you two, Leatherneck and Wet-Suit. You're movin' that Mauler like two old ladies in a wheelchair.
WET-SUIT
I know somebody I'd like to put in a wheelchair!
SHIPWRECK
Okay, Dial-Tone. Ready with those rockets?
DIAL-TONE
You bet, Shipwreck.
SHIPWRECK
And fire!
LIFELINE
Shipwreck, what are you doin'?
SHIPWRECK
Just a little armor drill, Lifeline. Don't worry. Our tanks can shoot the rockets down.
LIFELINE
No, they can't! I ordered the tanks' weapons systems disconnected!
SHIPWRECK
You what?
SHIPWRECK
All Maulers, evasive action! Now!
LEATHERNECK
Let's cut outta here!
WET-SUIT
That was close.
DIAL-TONE (COMM.)
Shipwreck! This is Dial-Tone. They aren't safe! I've reprogrammed the rockets!
SHIPWRECK AND LIFELINE
What?
SHIPWRECK (O.C.)
Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, come in! Come in!
LIFELINE
Roadblock, over here! Knock the turret off this Mauler!
ROADBLOCK
Yo Joe!
LIFELINE
You're gonna be okay. No thanks to you, Shipwreck.
SHIPWRECK
No thanks to me? I wasn't the one who reprogrammed the HAVOC's guidance systems, or disconnected the Maulers' weapons!
LIFELINE
Well, what kind of genius uses live ammo on a practice range?
LEATHERNECK
We've got a saying in the Marines. The most dangerous thing in the world is a green officer in the dark with a book of matches.
WET-SUIT
Amen to that, brother. Amen to that.
EXT. COBRA ISLAND - TERROR DROME
INT. TERROR DROME - THRONE ROOM
SERPENTOR
Your plan has succeeded. The Joes are in a complete state of disarray.
DR. MINDBENDER
True, O great Serpentor. But this will last only until General Hawk returns. We must captialize on this at once.
EXT. COBRA ISLAND - DOCKS
INT. TERROR DROME - THRONE ROOM
SERPENTOR
I am ready, Dr. Mindbender. We'll use our submarine tanks to attack the Bonner Research Institute, right in the Joes' own backyard.
EXT. SEASIDE HOTEL - NIGHT
SERPENTOR
Use this resort as a base of operations, then send the Motor Vipers to attack Bonner Research Institute! This I command!
MOTOR VIPERS
Cobra!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
MAINFRAME
I hate goin' behind the backs of our three new colonels, Beach Head.
BEACH HEAD
I know, Mainframe. I don't like goin' over their heads, either.
MAINFRAME
I was thinkin' more about hurtin' their feelings. But they're scorin' zip in the confidence and morale categories.
BEACH HEAD
That's why we're sendin' this urgent message to General Hawk in Europe. We need him back here pronto to restore order.
BEACH EHAD
Oh, brother! Cobra's attacked the Bonner Research Institute!
MAINFRAME
That's practically next door!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
SHIPWRECK
Get the Hovercraft out. We'll cut across land and jump 'em.
DIAL-TONE
No. Take the HAVOCs!
SHIPWRECK
After you bollixed up their missile guidance systems? No way! The Hovercraft are better!
LIFELINE
No! We've gotta take the Tomahawks and rescue any casualties!
SHIPWRECK
I tell you, the Hovercraft are the answer!
DIAL-TONE
You're wrong! The HAVOCs can still do the job!
LIFELINE
We've gotta pick up the casualties! So we use the Tomahawks!
SHIPWRECK
Come on, men!
DIAL-TONE
Follow me!
LIFELINE
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe.
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. RESEARCH INSTITUTE - NIGHT
MOTOR VIPER #1
All right, move it!
MOTOR VIPER #2
Come on. Hands over your heads.
MOTOR VIPER #3
Let's go, let's go.
SERPENTOR
Almost too easy, Dr. Mindbender. Where is the challenge?
DR. MINDBENDER
Might I remind the great Cobra Emperor that the whole purpose of this plan was to weaken Joe resistance.
SERPENTOR
Why weaken? Why not eliminate?
MOTOR VIPER #4
Serpentor, the Joes are approaching!
DIAL-TONE (COMM.)
All right! We'll try out the new plan! Split into three columns! Column A, take the left flank--no! I mean, Column B! Take the right... Column C!
SERPENTOR
They are in complete disarray! Close in and destroy them!
MOTOR VIPER
Cobra!
JOES
Let's get outta here! Move it, you guys! Run for it!, etc.
BEACH HEAD
Got any orders, Colonel Shipwreck?
SHIPWRECK
Yeah, we're gonna hit 'em head-on. Hard and fast!
BEACH HEAD
I hope you know what.... Cobra! Heads up, everybody!
SHIPWRECK
BATs, dead ahead!
BEACH HEAD
Look out!
SHIPWRECK
The wall!
DR. MINDBENDER
BATs! Finish the job!
SHIPWRECK
Without our Hovercraft, we're dead meat! Fall back to Joe Headquarters!
LIFT-TICKET
Beggin' the colonel's pardon, but aren't we gonna stomp some snakes, Lifeline?
LIFELINE
Okay, uh, fire your rockets. But aim ahead of the Stuns. We just wanna drive 'em off.
LIFT-TICKET
Oh, brother!
DR. MINDBENDERf
That must be Lifeline in charge of those Tomahawks. They didn't even come close!
SERPENTOR
Still, no one may fire on Serpentor with impunity. Motor Vipers, shoot them down!
LIFT-TICKET
Well, so much for creative non-violence!
DR. MINDBENDER
Look at the Joes run, Serpentor. Our raid was a complete success!
SERPENTOR
No, not complete. There is one thing I must do to make this night perfect: attack Joe Headquarters and eradicate them utterly from the face of the earth! This I command!
SERPENTOR
Inspiration is my divine right, and I am inspired to track G. I. Joe down and wipe them out!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
BEACH HEAD
Keep under cover. Cobra might pop up any second.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
SHIPWRECK
I can't believe it! Shootin' to miss!
DIAL-TONE
Well, your direct frontal approach didn't work.
LIFELINE
And neither did all your fancy maneuvers, Dial-Tone!
BEACH HEAD
Hold it! Fine officer material you all turned out to be! This is the worst disaster G. I. Joe has ever faced! You clowns, you better muster up some leadership qualities before Cobra decides to....
MOTOR VIPER (O.C.)
Cobra!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
BEACH HEAD
Here they come! Quick! Everybody back to the main Headquarters buildin'!
SERPENTOR
See how they run! Finally, Dr. Mindbender! Victory is mine!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
DIAL-TONE
This door won't hold long.
LIFELINE
I wonder if it's too late to start negotiating.
SHIPWRECK
Cobra only understands one thing, Lifeline: firepower. And I know just where to get some!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM
SHIPWRECK
This oughta clean a few snake skins!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
BEACH HEAD
What? Somebody's activatin' the particle beam gun without preppin' it!
WET-SUIT
Who could be that stupid?
LEATHERNECK
Well, you're here, so that leaves....
BEACH HEAD, LEATHERNECK, AND WET-SUIT
...Shipwreck!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM
BEACH HEAD
Shipwreck, don't fire that particle beam gun!
SHIPWRECK
Why not? This'll eliminate our problem once and for all!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
DR. MINDBENDER
What the bloody blue blazes was that!
SERPENTOR
Who cares? The way is open for total victory! Cobra, attack!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
SHIPWRECK
Somebody! Get me outta here!
BEACH HEAD
I tried to warn you, Shipwreck! The particle beam gun was never designed as a close support weapon!
SHIPWRECK
Now you tell me! How am I supposed to know these things?
WET-SUIT
You're an officer now, Shipwreck. You're supposed to know these things.
LEATHERNECK
Yeah. Comes with the territory.
MOTOR VIPER
Cobra!
BEACH HEAD
Cobra's battered down the door! They're inside the buildin'!
WET-SUIT
Then let's go!
SHIPWRECK
Hey! What about me?
ROADBLOCK
Too many of 'em! Fall back!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
LEATHERNECK
We're surrounded!
BEACH HEAD
Now what?
WET-SUIT
A Cobra jet?
BEACH HEAD
No, it's a NATO jet! It's General Hawk!
HAWK
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
LEATHERNECK
General Hawk!
WET-SUIT
Just in time!
JOE
Are we glad to see you!
HAWK
Cobra's taken the first floor. I need a squad to go down through the air shaft and cut 'em off. The rest of you, follow me!
JOES
You got it! Come on! Let's go!, etc.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIR SHAFT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
BEACH HEAD
General Hawk! Are you a sight for sore eyes!
HAWK
No time for small talk now, Beach Head. I want you to rappel four men down the back of the building, and steal a Stun.
HAWK
Well, Colonel Lifeline and Colonel Dial-Tone, I presume.
LIFELINE
General Hawk?
DIAL-TONE
Boy, are we glad to see you! But I thought you were in Europe. How...?
HAWK
Beach Head sent me a message about your promotions. I came back to square things away. Follow me!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
HAWK
Cobra is under that floor up ahead. Low-Light, Sci-Fi, we need an opening.
MOTOR VIPER
Look!
HAWK
Okay, men! Forward!
JOES
Yo Joe!
HAWK
All right, Cobra! Surrender while you've got a chance!
MOTOR VIPERS
Don't fire! We surrender! We give up! We give up!, etc.
HAWK
This way! After me!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
BEACH HEAD
Just what the General ordered!
WET-SUIT
Let's go!
SERPENTOR
What? They retreat? How dare they! Attack! Attack! Use the Stuns!
HAWK
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
SERPENTOR
No! Attack!
SERPENTOR
They shall pay for their insolence! Get them with your lasers!
HAWK
Stick close to the treads, men! Cobra can't depress their guns low enough to shoot at us!
SERPENTOR
Crush them with your treads! This I command!
ROADBLOCK
It's time for Cobra to say goodbye! When this goes off, they're gonna fly!
SERPENTOR
What? I don't believe this!
DR. MINDBENDER
O great Serpentor, I suggest you retreat in haste and doubt at leisure! Cobra! Fall back!
DIAL-TONE
Aren't we gonna chase 'em, sir?
HAWK
With what, Dial-Tone? You boys pretty much exhausted our reserve.
DIAL-TONE
Oh, uh...yeah. Right.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
HAWK
All promotion requests have to come through me, so I knew Cobra had to be behind your rise through the ranks.
LIFELINE
But why? What did Cobra hope to gain?
HAWK
Exactly what they did gain: utter confusion. They had you three pegged perfectly. For instance, Lifeline, you have the ability to be an effective officer, but not the desire.
LIFELINE
That's affirmative. I'd much rather stay a humble medic than be responsible for leading others.
HAWK
Dial-Tone has the desire, but not the ability. Don't feel bad, son. Not everyone's cut out to be a leader.
HAWK
As for Shipwreck, well, what can I say? He has neither the desire nor the ability.
SHIPWRECK
Okay, okay! You've proved your point! Now cut me loose!
LEATHERNECK
You reckon we oughta?
WET-SUIT
Why sure! After our coffee break.
SHIPWRECK
Okay, okay. A joke's a joke. Now cut me loose! You hear me? Cut me loose! That's an order!
