Congratulations, Da Swei Li, on your series of successful raids on the G. I. Joe bases. Thanks to you, America's military presence in the South Pacific is weakened. Cobra is pleased.
DA SWEI LI
Thank you, Cobra Emperor.
DA SWEI LI
Sergeant Slaughter!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yo Joe!
SERPENTOR
Da Swei Li, where are you? Answer me! Tell me what is happening!
EXT. JUNGLE VILLAGE - DAY
SCI-FI
Sergeant Slaughter started the party without us!
LEATHERNECK
That glory hound!
BEACH HEAD
Come on! Move your feet, not your mouth!
WET-SUIT
Just be sure your shoelaces are tied!
LEATHERNECK
How'd you like a fat lip?
WET-SUIT
No thanks. It might clash with your fat head.
BEACH HEAD
Yo Joe!
LOW-LIGHT
Like ducks in a shootin' gallery!
LOW-LIGHT
Shoot, I missed!
JOES
Yo Joe!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
In just about a minute, I'm going to get real mad!
SCI-FI
Think he needs any help?
BEACH HEAD
That answer your question, Sci-Fi?
DA SWEI LI
Attack, you cowards!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
So, you wanna play rough, huh? Good, 'cause that's the only way I know how to play!
LEATHERNECK
Well, at least he's never boring!
LOW-LIGHT
Did you leave any for us?
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Gee, I'm sorry. I guess I got carried away.
BEACH HEAD
That's okay, Sarge. It was a real education.
BEACH HEAD
We'll radio Lift-Ticket while you send your regards to Serpentor.
INT. JUNGLE VILLAGE HUT
SERPENTOR
Da Swei Li, I demand that you answer me now! This I command!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
And here's your answer, fang face!
SERPENTOR
Sergeant Slaughter!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Mission accomplished. Let's go home.
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
MESSENGER
Mr. Forrest! Telegram for Mr. Forrest!
WET-SUIT
Boy! That's me, son.
SGT. SLAUGHTER (reading)
"You have been selected to participate in a martial arts competition. Good luck, signed Pierre LaFonte." What's this all about?
WET-SUIT
Oh, that's nothin', Sarge. Just a little remedial training.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Don't try to snowball me, sailor. This is against Joe regulations, and you know it!
WET-SUIT
But Sarge....
SGT. SLAUGHTER
No buts, Wet-Suit. LaFonte's an international criminal, and that so-called competition is nothin' but a blood sport! Is that clear?
WET-SUIT
Y-yes, sir.
INT. HOTEL - LOBBY
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Wait for me on the bus while I settle up our account.
BEACH HEAD
Yo Joe.
MANAGER
I certainly hope you enjoyed your stay here, and that you were able to conclude your business satisfactorily.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Oh, yeah. I always conclude my business sactisfactorily.
MESSENGER
Call for Mr. Forrest! Telephone call for Mr. Forrest!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
I'll take that, boy.
MESSENGER
Use that phone over there, sir.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yeah, thanks. That sneaky little Wet-Suit. If he thinks he's getting....
SGT. SLAUGHTER
All right, let's do it!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Come on, stand still!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Quick, aren't you? Well....
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
BEACH HEAD
I wonder what's takin' the Sarge so long. I better go check on him.
MESSENGER
Big man say he meet you at airport!
BEACH HEAD
What?
MESSENGER
You go now. He meet you there.
EXT. JUNGLE - RIVER
EXT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND - DAY
INT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND
CAPTIVES
Huh? Hey! What's goin' on here? All right, watch it!, etc.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Who's in charge here?
PIERRE LAFONTE [Jack Angel?]
I, Pierre LaFonte. I am your host for the next two days, Mr. Forrest.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Why you maggot, I'm not....
LAFONTE
Your experience at the hotel was just a test to weed out the obviously unfit. The next test will be considerably more difficult.
LAFONTE
If you want to survive, you must defeat these men.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Okay, fine. The more the merrier.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
HAWK
What do you mean you don't know where he is?
BEACH HEAD
Sir, we...we had no choice! We had a plane to catch!
HAWK
Well, don't unpack your gear, 'cause you're goin' back into the jungle!
WET-SUIT
Uh, excuse me, sir. Uh, I don't know if this is important, but I had planned on attending a martial arts competition while we were over there.
HAWK
So?
WET-SUIT
Well, um, the Sarge found out about it....
BEACH HEAD
What competition is this?
WET-SUIT
Some, uh, Frenchman named LaFonte.
HAWK
LaFonte? Pierre LaFonte?
WET-SUIT
Uh, yes, sir. That's it.
HAWK
Mainframe, run a check on Major Pierre LaFonte.
MAINFRAME
Major Pierre LaFonte. Often uses the Green Monkey Cantina in Manila as a mail-drop safehouse.
INT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Well?
LAFONTE
I congratulate you on your victory, Mr. Forrest, or should I call you Wet-Suit?
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yeah, okay. Wet-Suit's good enough.
LAFONTE
Very well. Now, perhaps you are wondering about the purpose of our little competition. The eventual winner will serve Cobra as an assassin on a very special mission, the nature of which I am not at liberty to discuss at this time.
INT. GREEN MONKEY CANTINA
BEACH HEAD
Howdy. I'm wonderin' if you can help me. I need some information.
CUSTOMER #1
Let's get out of here.
CUSTOMER #2
I know nothing!
BEACH HEAD
Hey, I just wanna know where I can find a man named LaFonte.
BEACH HEAD
Uh, excuse me. I'm tryin' to find....
BEACH HEAD
Okay, that tears it. Yo Joe!
WET-SUIT
Where did they go?
LEATHERNECK
I don't know.
BEACH HEAD
You guys all right?
WET-SUIT
Oh, sure.
LEATHERNECK
Yeah, they just, uh, caught our blind side, that's all.
JOES
Yo Joe!
BEACH HEAD
All right, hold your fire!
BEACH HEAD
Now, that's more like it. About that little chat I wanted to have with you, I think there's a free table over here.
INT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND
SGT. SLAUGHTER
I can't fight you.
FRENCHIE
You do not wish to fight ze great André Velocité, master of the French arts of baking and savate?
SGT. SLAUGHTER
You oughta fight someone your own size!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Maybe I'm your man after all.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
My mother told me there'd be days like this.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Prepare to fight Slaughterhouse style!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Shoe's on the other foot, eh, Frenchie?
FRENCHIE
Put me down!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
If you think that was fun, try this!
FRENCHIE
No, stop it!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
I can't hear you!
LAFONTE
Bravo, Mr. Forrest.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
What about Frenchie?
LAFONTE
Oh, don't worry about him. He will be suitably disposed of. Now, next....
EXT. PHILIPPINES - JUNGLE
BEACH HEAD
Accordin' to the information those two ninjas volunteered, LaFonte's temple should just be a few more cliks in country.
SCI-FI
I hope so, 'cause I'm ready to kick some butt.
LOW-LIGHT
This reminds me of Conrad's Heart of Darkness. Ever read that book, Leatherneck?
LEATHERNECK
Nope. Don't think so, but I saw a movie once called The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter.
BEACH HEAD
Quiet down back there!
LAFONTE'S AGENT
Well, boys, what do we have here?
WET-SUIT
You won't take me without a fight.
LAFONTE'S AGENT
We wouldn't have it any other way.
LAFONTE'S AGENT
Okay, let's take this G. I. joke back to the temple.
INT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND
LAFONTE
This, Mr. Forrest, is Osi-Bisa. You and he are the semi-finalists. This time I'm adding a few complications to make the game more interesting. Good luck to you both.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
The bigger they are, the harder they fall!
LAFONTE
Congratulations, Wet-Suit. You have survived our journey, and I must say your martial arts prowess far exceeds the information in our files.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
You know what you can do with your files.
LAFONTE
Now, now, Mr. Forrest, you still have one last test to pass.
LAFONTE
You must kill a member of G. I. Joe.
LAFONTE
Are you familiar with the Japanese art of kendo?
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yeah.
LAFONTE
We are waiting, Mr. Forrest.
WET-SUIT
He's got us mixed up. He think's you're me.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
I know. Let's keep it that way.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
So take me out to make it look good.
WET-SUIT
No, Sarge. I got you into this mess. I have to lose.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
That's crazy, Wet-Suit.
WET-SUIT
No. If I win, we both lose. But if I lose, at least you still have a chance.
LAFONTE
Boring!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
No dice, Wet-Suit. I'll make you fight!
WET-SUIT
Ow!
LAFONTE
Bravo!
WET-SUIT
Hey, that hurt!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
It was supposed to! If you're not gonna fight me, then I've gotta make it look good.
WET-SUIT
Not that good! Yow!
WET-SUIT
You're makin' me mad, Sarge!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Good!
WET-SUIT
Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
All right, it's about time, sailor.
LAFONTE
Let us put a little English on this.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Let's take this outside. It's our only chance.
LAFONTE
What's this?
EXT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND - DAY
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Let's work our way toward the edge of the jungle. Then we can make a break for it.
WET-SUIT
Okay. But how about easin' up a little? I might need my strength later.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Want me to go soft on you? This is nothin' compared to what LaFonte and his boys'll do to you.
WET-SUIT
You're right!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Now you got the right attitude!
EXT. PHILIPPINES - JUNGLE
BEACH HEAD
Stay close, Leatherneck!
SCI-FI
Go easy on him, Beach Head. He and Wet-Suit are tighter than they want any of us to know.
BEACH HEAD
Yeah, I know. But I can't afford to lose another man.
LOW-LIGHT
A Cobra Firebat!
BEACH HEAD
Yeah. We must be close to LaFonte's temple.
EXT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND - DAY
LEATHERNECK
It's Wet-Suit!
BEACH HEAD
Well I'll be!
LEATHERNECK
And Sergeant Slaughter's knockin' some sense into him.
SCI-FI
Kinda puts a warm fuzzy right here, don't it?
LOW-LIGHT
Yeah. Makes me wanna puke.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
This is it. It's now or never. Come on!
LAFONTE'S AGENT
Don't even think about it!
LAFONTE
Welcome, welcome! You should have radioed me that you were coming!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, and you should've invited me sooner. So, where is my new assassin?
LAFONTE
Why, over here, Cobra Commander.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Hey, fang breath!
COBRA COMMANDER
Sergeant Slaughter? No!
LAFONTE
You know this man?
COBRA COMMANDER
Know him? Yes, you swine!
LAFONTE
And he's not Mr. Forrest?
COBRA COMMANDER
He's not "Mister" anything! He is a G. I. Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
STORM SHADOW
Cobra Commander, there are only four G. I. Joes over there!
COBRA COMMANDER
Don't just stand there! Destroy them! Cobra!
BEACH HEAD
Fall back!
INT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND - HALLWAY
MERCENARY #1
You see the ad in this month's Mercenary Review? New Fredonia's payin' fifteen hundred dollars a week.
MERCENARY #2
Yeah?
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Here! Let the other boys outta the cell! I'm going back to help our brothers in arms!
WET-SUIT
I don't know if you guys realize it or not, but you were bein' used by Cobra. Now let's go kick their butts!
CAPTIVES
Hey, all right! Yeah! Let's get 'em! I'm with ya!, etc.
EXT. LAFONTE'S COMPOUND - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER
Cobra!
SCI-FI
Got any ideas, Beach Head?
BEACH HEAD
I'm thinkin', Sci-Fi!
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Yo Joe!
COBRA COMMANDER
Every man for himself!
BEACH HEAD
How's that for starters?
SCI-FI
It'll do.
BEACH HEAD
Come on!
COBRA COMMANDER
You, you imbecile! You have ruined my greatest plan!
STORM SHADOW
We must leave now, Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yeah. Mark my words, LaFonte! We will meet again!
LEATHERNECK
Cobra Commander's gettin' away!
WET-SUIT
That's okay! He's not the pigeon we want!
LEATHERNECK
Wet-Suit, this is all your fault!
WET-SUIT
Oh yeah, meat head?
EXT. JUNGLE - JOE CAMP
SGT. SLAUGHTER
So tell me, LaFonte, just who was I supposed to assassinate, anyway?
LAFONTE
Don't you know? Serpentor. Cobra Commander put a contract out on him.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
I can't believe it, sir! I had a perfect chance at crippling Cobra once and for all, and I blew it.
BEACH HEAD
Don't worry, Sarge. You'll have another chance. You can always count on Cobra to strike at any time, in any place.
