Bugs and snakes and jungle, this job ain't fun anymore. How's about we take five?
RECONDO
Sure. Take five startin' now.
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
DESTRO
You're late. Again you fail me! However, I am in a generous mood today. I shall spare your life, but your incompetence has cost you the gold I promised. Take him away!
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
BLOWTORCH
Destro must feel mighty secure. He hasn't even a guard out here!
RECONDO
Maybe 'cause no one's every been able to get over this ravine without Destro's help. But that's gonna change any minute now.
RECONDO
Okay, it oughta hold. Tollbooth, you and the Bridgelayer can do your trick now!
RECONDO
Okay men, let's hit 'em!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE
DESTRO
No! Not now! Not when the project is so near completion!
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
BLOWTORCH
Cover me, you old goats!
INT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE
DESTRO
There. It's done. Now nothing can stop Cobra.
DESTRO
Stop that man!
DESTRO
No guns, you fools! You'll hit my experiment!
DESTRO
Very impressive, but too crude and too late. Farewell, Joe!
BLOWTORCH
I had 'im! I had 'im and I blew it!
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
ROADBLOCK
That's right. Just keep movin'.
RECONDO
Let's see how Blowtorch is makin' out.
ROADBLOCK
There's the kid now.
BLOWTORCH
I torched the lab, but Destro was slitherin' out the back...as usual.
ROADBLOCK
What about the weapon he was workin' on?
BLOWTORCH
He was carryin' somethin', but I couldn't tell what it was.
RECONDO
Then it was closer to completion than we thought. That Indian kid musta brought Destro some final ingredient he needed.
ROADBLOCK
You done good. Now come on outta your gear before you boil over. Headquarters will decide the next move.
RECONDO
At least Destro won't be usin' this base again.
ROADBLOCK
Not a bad day's work, kid.
EXT. COUNTRY TOWN - DAY
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
DESTRO
So, you are all here.
COBRA COMMANDER
Where is my new weapon?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Were you able to complete it (T) and bring it out safely?
DESTRO
I was not about to let two years' work go up in smoke. The photon disintegrator is safe, and ready for Cobra's use.
EXT. CALIFORNIA ROAD - DAY
RECONDO
Two weeks' rest and recreation for a job well done.
ROADBLOCK
Beats the heck outta that lousy jungle!
RECONDO
For the next two weeks, our mission is toolin' up the coast.
ROADBLOCK
And samplin' the local cuisine.
RECONDO
Speakin' of which, I'm starved. Let's check out that drive-in.
ROADBLOCK
No way! The food in those joins is awful. Besides which, in another hour, we'll be at my aunt and uncle's new restaurant. Wait until you taste my Uncle Caleb's chicken.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN - DAY
ROADBLOCK
I don't believe it! Uncle Caleb opened a Red Rocket drive-in?
RECONDO
It figures. We've only seen about fifty of 'em on the way here. Come on, let's check it out.
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN
CALEB BRONSON [Buster Jones]
That's it. The only thing we got left are these blasted bills!
SARAH BRONSON [Mary McDonald-Lewis?]
Don't, worry so much, Caleb. We'll get by somehow.
ROADBLOCK (O.C.)
Any chance of gettin' somethin' to eat around here?
SARAH
Oh, my goodness, Caleb, look! It's Marvin!
ROADBLOCK
Heya, Aunt Sarah!
CALEB
Marvin, it's good to see my favorite nephew!
ROADBLOCK
Uncle Caleb, how you doin'?
SARAH
Oh, Marvin, it's good to see you!
ROADBLOCK
Call me Roadblock, okay? Not Marvin.
ROADBLOCK
This snickerin' ape here's Recondo, the Joes' Jungle Trooper. He can find an eyelash you lost in the woods two years ago.
RECONDO
Howdy.
CALEB
We lost our shirts. Can he find those?
RECONDO
Huh?
SARAH
Now Caleb, don't trouble the boy.
ROADBLOCK
Hey, no keepin' anything away from me. Out with it. What's goin' on?
CALEB
We bought into this Red Rocket chain with our retirement money. At first it looked like we had ourselves a gold mine.
SARAH
We had customers comin' out of our ears.
RECONDO
So how come the place is deserted?
CALEB
'Cause somebody started scarin' the people away.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 (near San Simeon, CA) - DAY
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
ROADBLOCK
And there they are. Come on, Recondo. We'll scare the pimples right off o' those punks!
RECONDO
Yeah, we'll teach 'em to mess up your uncle's business!
SARAH
Boys, please no!
CALEB
You think I'm so old I can't handle a bunch o' kids? They're the customers!
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
CALEB (O.C.)
It's those guys, nephew! The ones with the cycles and ray guns! They're the troublemakers!
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
ROADBLOCK AND RECONDO
Ray guns?
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
ROADBLOCK AND RECONDO
Yo Joe!
BIKER [Michael Bell?]
Trash those turkeys!
ROADBLOCK
Here's the trash! I'll be the turkey if you'll be the stuffing!
RECONDO
Looks like it's my turn to take out the garbage!
ROADBLOCK
Gotta stop that bike from breakin' and enterin'.
BIKER
Split! We didn't count on nothin' this heavy-duty!
ROADBLOCK
And don't come back, or we'll slap you on a bun and serve you for lunch!
TEENAGE DUDE
Can you, like, really, uh, like assimilate this?
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
RECONDO
Why would a bunch of bikers want to run a hamburger stand out of business?
ROADBLOCK
Good question. And where do bikers get laser pistols?
RECONDO
That's a good question, too.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD
Coorinates in five seconds, sirs.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Very good, thank you. (X) No need to land. (T and X) We'll just step out.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - ELEVATOR
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You have a priority report? (T) What is it?
BIKER
We got trouble! Stage three harrassment of R-R-One-Oh-Four aborted due to interference from two men in civilian clothes who counterattacked with G. I. Joe battle cry.
XAMOT
Are they on to us?
BIKER
Hard to say.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) R-R-One-Oh-Four is the last drive-in (T) we need to buy back. (T and X) We'll handle it.
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN
MR. QUEEG [John Stephenson?]
You might have lost everything, you know. You can't run a hamburger stand with a biker gang terrorizing your customers.
QUEEG
There's the company wanting me. Perhaps another couple somewhere hoping Extensive will buy back their drive-in.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN - DAY
QUEEG
Queeg here.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Mr. Queeg, you will proceed directly to R-R-One-Oh-Four. (T) Terminate negotiations and re-acquire the restaurant at once. (T and X) And employ extreme measures if necessary.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN - DAY
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
TELE-VIPER [Chris Latta]
We got the equipment you wanted, Mr. Queeg. You sure you need to go so heavy?
QUEEG
The Crimson Guard has authorized extreme measures. I will, of course, try the reasonable approach first, but if the old couple won't sell quietly, you Tele-Vipers have your orders.
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
COBRA
It's the Joes!
TELE-VIPER
What?
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
ROADBLOCK
And I want you to meet Lady Jaye, Flint, and Cutter.
LADY JAYE
What is it, Sarah?
SARAH
That's Mr. Queeg, the man who says we have to sell.
QUEEG
Mr. and Mrs. Bronson, if I might take a minute of your valuable time....
ROADBLOCK
Valuable's what it is, man. Take care of the customers. I'll take care of this stiff.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE IN RR-104 - DAY
ROADBLOCK
We're not sellin', and you're not buyin'! Do I make myself clear?
QUEEG
They'll pay for this!
TELE-VIPER
Level that joint! Fire!
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
LADY JAYE
What in the world!
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE IN RR-104 - DAY
CUTTER
Look out!
CUTTER
Head for the WHALE!
LADY JAYE
Excuse me, sir.
LADY JAYE
Adios, sucker.
ROADBLOCK
Yo Joe!
TELE-VIPER
Look out behind you!
ROADBLOCK
Grab clouds, you bums!
TELE-VIPER
Move it, you fools!
COBRAS
Cobra!
ROADBLOCK
Now we're left with nothin'!
LADY JAYE
Not exactly, Roadblock. We've got prove that this was a Cobra operation.
ROADBLOCK
Isn't this ridiculous? Somebody tell me why Cobra would want to muscle my aunt and uncle out of their little hamburger joint? Nobody makes my Aunt Sarah cry and gets away with it.
ROADBLOCK
Let's move!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Ah, here's what I've been waitin' for!
FLINT
So, what's it mean?
BREAKER
Red Rocket's owner is Extensive Enterprises. They sold the franchises mostly to retired couples. Recently they've been buyin' them all back.
LADY JAYE
Extensive Enterprises has done business with Cobra before. What could they be up to?
ROADBLOCK
They're up to their noses in hamburgers, that's for sure.
BREAKER
Everybody's sold out now, except Roadblock's aunt and uncle.
ROADBLOCK
Let's have some chit-chat with those jerks at Extensive Enterprise.
FLINT
We will. But I want a guard on your uncle's drive-in, just in case.
FLINT
You've got it, Snake-Eyes. Breaker, keep digging.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Yes, Commander. The premises have been (T) vacated. Send in your men.
COBRA COMMANDER
Superb.
TOMAX
When can you proceed with the demonstration?
COBRA COMMANDER
By midnight. I'll contact you when it's time to deliver the ultimatum.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Will you never learn (T) to make an appointment?
ROADBLOCK
I don't need an appointment when you've been hastlin' my family.
LADY JAYE
You enlisted Cobra to blow up Uncle Caleb and Aunt Sarah's parking lot!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Tisk, tisk. Cobra can at times be a bit heavy-handed. (X) But we can't be held responsible for every action (T) of our business associates. We recommend (T and X) you take it up with Cobra.
FLINT
Okay. It's obvious we're not gonna get any cooperation here.
ROADBLOCK
How 'bout a little friendly persuasion?
FLINT
Let's go.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
LADY JAYE
Now what?
FLINT
We'll come back after business hours.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - EVENING
FLINT
This is as close as I can get, Lady Jaye.
LADY JAYE
I don't know how you talked me into this. You know I'm scared of heights.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
LADY JAYE
Not a desk drawer or a filing cabinet. I wonder....
LADY JAYE
Come on, where are you?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Ah, what have we here? (X) A lovely nocturnal prower. (T and X) Let's get her!
XAMOT
You must be more careful, brother!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - EVENING
LADY JAYE
Flint!
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
FLINT
So, what did you find out?
LADY JAYE
Mostly that a thousand-foot drop does nothing to help the digestion of Peking duck.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Flint, look there!
FLINT
Breaker, patch me through to VHF channel Ten, fast!
INT. APARTMENT - CLOSE ON TELEVISION
COBRA COMMANDER
And Cobra has one hundred fifty missiles in place, targeted on the capitals of every major nation on earth.
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
Each of these missiles carries one of Cobra's new photon disintegrators. We shall now demonstrate the destructive power of this weapon on this exact replica of this city.
COBRA COMMANDER (CONT.)
Watch closely. This will be your fate, if Cobra's demands are not met.
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
This: no rubble, no untidy after-effects. Nothing remains...but memories.
COBRA COMMANDER
To avert this tragedy, you need only surrender control of your nation to Cobra. You have 'til dawn to decide. Sleep on it.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
FLINT
I guess that pretty well identifies Destro's new secret weapon.
LADY JAYE
No kidding!
ROADBLOCK
Uh, Flint? You wanna hear somethin' weird, man?
FLINT
What is it, Roadblock?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
ROADBLOCK
Did you see the map of the missile sites behind Cobra Commander?
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
What about it?
ROADBLOCK
Well, you're not gonna believe this, but...it matches the map of the Red Rocket drive-ins exactly.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
ROADBLOCK (COMM.)
Those rockets on top of the Red Rocket burger stands are real!
FLINT
So all we have to do is take out a hundred and fifty rocket sites before dawn! Mobilize everything we've got, on the double!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
EXT. SEASIDE CARNIVAL - NIGHT
CUTTER
Attention Cobra, evacuate Red Rocket drive-in with due haste. We will commense firing in five seconds.
CUTTER (CONT.)
Five...four...three...two...one.... Fire!
CUTTER
WHALE to Joe base! Mission accomplished, with gusto!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Good work, Cutter!
EXT. DESERT - DAWN
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - SUNRISE
COBRA
Hold it! You're covered!
LADY JAYE
Go ahead and fire. I guess it's possible you won't hit the nose cone.
LADY JAYE
Bye, now!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN #RR-104 - SUNRISE
ROADBLOCK
Uh-oh, company.
EXT. SKY - SUNRISE
BREAKER (COMM.)
Rocket number one-oh-four's been launched! It's headed right for Washington, D.C.
FLINT
Roger! On our way to intercept!
EXT. SKY NEAR WASHINGTON - SUNRISE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Enjoying the (X) breeze, Joe? (T and X) Bracing, isn't it?
ROADBLOCK
This is startin' to get sticky!
LADY JAYE
Good grief, it's Roadblock! What are you gonna do?
FLINT
If I can blow the nose cone off that rocket, there's a chance...maybe. Hang in there, Roadblock, old buddy!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - REFLECTING POOL
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) It was worth it (X) just for the ride!
LADY JAYE
There he is! Hallelujah!
FLINT
He's okay; I can see that grin from here!
EXT. JOE'S PLACE - DAY
FLINT
You didn't have to go to all this trouble, Caleb.
RECONDO
But, if you had to thank us, feedin' our faces is a great way. Come on, dish me up!
ROADBLOCK
My ribs are the greatest, and that's a fact. Joe beat Cobra, and that's where it's at. So when you want relief from your worries and your woes, you can come on down and eat at Joe's.
