Well, you just hold on there, Slip-Stream, and we'll see if these snakes can crawl as well!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Look at those belly flops!
LEATHERNECK
What a hot dog! But he gets the job done. Let's go stomp some snakes!
JOES
Yo Joe!
WET-SUIT
Those snakes should've been Strato-Vipers, 'cause they fly real good!
EXT. COBRA WEAPONS LAB - DAY
LEATHERNECK
Okay, you Cobra finks. Into the truck.
WET-SUIT
Hey, jarhead. Need help countin' those weapons technicians? There's more than twenty of 'em. You can't use your fingers and your toes.
LEATHERNECK
Maybe I'll count 'em with your teeth, fish brain!
LIFELINE
Hey, Leatherneck! This came special delivery just before we took off!
LIFELINE
That special enough for you?
LEATHERNECK
What the heck is this? Looks like you're gonna have to do without this old Marine for a while, squid boy.
WET-SUIT
This I gotta see. "Cordially invited to be the guest of honor at our graduation exercises." I love it! You're gonna babysit a bunch of....
LEATHERNECK
Cadets who might some day have the glory of becoming Marines. Best of all, I can stop there on my way to Parris Island Marine Base for their graduation ceremony.
EXT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY ENTRANCE - DAY
LEATHERNECK (singing/humming)
From the halls of Montezuma, yum pum pum pum be bum bum.
CADET
Yes, sir. Can I help you, sir?
LEATHERNECK
Sergeant Metzger here for the graduation ceremonies.
CADET
We're expectin' you, sir.
EXT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - DAY
DRILL INSTRUCTOR
Your left, your left, right, left!
MIKE RANDALL AND SHEILA MCDERMOTT
Welcome to CEC Military Academy, sir.
MIKE [Hank Garrett?]
Cadet Mike P. Randall, at your service, sir.
SHEILA [Susan Blu]
Cadet Sheila McDermott. We are your liaison officers, sir.
MIKE AND SHEILA
Yes, sir!
LEATHERNECK
Well, I guess the first thing I'd better do is see your commander.
BUCK MCCANN [Dick Gautier]
Hiya, Sarge. Surprised to see me?
LEATHERNECK
McCann? Buck McCann? Why, I'm personally gonna haul your ugly face into the stockade!
MCCANN
Does this mean you're not glad to see me?
LEATHERNECK
Call the cops! This pitiful excuse for a human being is an escaped criminal!
MCCANN
Never gonna happen, Sarge. Haven't you noticed?
LEATHERNECK
Cobra. Why, you're all Cobras!
MCCANN
Temper, temper, Sarge. Our guest is tired. Take him to his room.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
BEACH HEAD
Right face, forward march!
HAWK
How's it going, Beach Head?
BEACH HEAD
Pretty good. They remember most of their close order drill.
HAWK
You don't need close order drill to fight Cobra.
BEACH HEAD
Well, we're supposed to provide an honor guard at the Parris Island graduation ceremony.
HAWK
I know. It's a special request by the Marine commandant. His grandson's graduating.
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - CELL
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - FLASHBACK
LEATHERNECK
Stow that smirk, McCann. You don't smile unless I order you to smile! Do I make myself clear?
EXT. RIFLE RANGE - FLASHBACK
MARINE
See that? McCann got a perfect score!
LEATHERNECK
Not too shabby.
MARINE
Better than your top score, as I recall.
EXT. OBSTACLE COURSE - FLASHBACK
MARINE
Well, they said it couldn't be done, but that boot just broke your course record, Leatherneck.
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - FLASHBACK
MCCANN
All right, men! Let's move it!
OFFICER
That man is one of the finest Marines I've ever seen. Excellent officer material.
LEATHERNECK
McCann's got the potential, sure. Just hope he can live up to the responsibilities.
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - FLASHBACK
MCCANN
Come on! Take me, take me!
MEDIC
You broke his arm, moron!
MCCANN
Hey, can I help it if your pal is delicate?
MEDIC
You like hurtin' people, McCann!
MCCANN
Who, me?
MEDIC
Come on. I'll take you to the infirmary.
LEATHERNECK
McCann!
MCCANN
Yeah, Sarge?
LEATHERNECK
How 'bout this for a good laugh? Fifty laps around the parade ground!
MCCANN
But....
LEATHERNECK
Now, maggot!
INT. LEATHERNECK'S OFFICE - FLASHBACK
LEATHERNECK
Enter.
MCCANN
Private McCann reporting, Sarge.
LEATHERNECK
McCann, that was a mean trick you pulled out there today.
MCCANN
But Sarge....
LEATHERNECK
I don't remember giving you permission to speak! That stunt cost you my recommendation for OCS. The Marine Corps needs men for leaders, not bullies. Not get out of my sight before I chuck you into the brig.
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - FLASHBACK
MCCANN
That's it, boys. One more rocket launcher and we can set up business for ourselves.
LEATHERNECK
Buck McCann! What's goin' on here?
MCCANN
Why Sarge, what a surprise! You're just in time for my farewell party.
MCCANN
Well, hate to steal and run, Sarge, but I'm late!
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - CELL
MCCANN
Penny for your thoughts, Sarge. Sill wondering why you're here?
LEATHERNECK
Why, you dirty....
MCCANN
Down, boy. It's graduation day at CEC Academy, and you're our guest of honor, or should I say target of honor?
EXT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - DAY
MCCANN
All right, Sarge, ready for some exercise?
LEATHERNECK
Why, you....
MCCANN
Easy, Sarge. This is gonna be fun. Cadet Randall, relieve him of those handcuffs. I'm giving you a full five minutes before my cadets go after you. And Sarge, they don't play nice.
LEATHERNECK
You better pack for a long stay in intensive care, low-life, 'cause when I 'm done with your Cub Scouts, I'm comin' after you.
MCCANN
Five seconds wasted, Sarge.
LEATHERNECK
Ill be back!
MCCANN
All right, after him!
MIKE
But you said five minutes, sir.
MCCANN
I lied.
SHEILA
Cobra!
EXT. WOODS - DAY
MIKE
It's not right.
SHEILA
What's the matter, Randall? You don't enjoy the thrill of the hunt?
MIKE
That's not an animal out there. That old Marine deserves some respect.
SHEILA
You seem to forget, he is the enemy.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BEACH HEAD
Hey, Dial-Tone, you heard from Leatherneck yet?
DIAL-TONE
Um, uh, no, Beach Head. Sure didn't.
BEACH HEAD
He knows he's supposed to call in every twenty-four hours when on leave. I oughta write him up.
DIAL-TONE
You're the second one to ask about him. Wet-Suit asked about him an hour ago.
BEACH HEAD
Just tell him when he calls in that he's expected at the Parris Island ceremony.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
LEATHERNECK
Hey sonny boy, beddie-bye time!
LEATHERNECK
You leaky-nosed punks lookin' for me?
CADETS
Cobra!
LEATHERNECK
Yo Joe!
LEATHERNECK
Just a little pop quiz. Guess you all flunked.
SHEILA
You blind pantywaist! You missed!
SHEILA
Now this time, do it right!
SHEILA
He's heading for the rapids. Take your men, circle around the north bank. We've got him now!
SHEILA
Check the river! See if he's underwater!
CADET
The current's too strong! Only a lunatic would try that!
LEATHERNECK
She's right. I may be foolish, but I ain't nuts!
SHEILA
Help me!
LEATHERNECK
Aw, nerts.
SHEILA
Somebody, help me!
LEATHERNECK
Hang on!
SHEILA
Fool! If our positions were reversed, I would've let you drown!
LEATHERNECK
You're welcome.
MCCANN
Well, very gallant of you, Sarge. You must be exhausted.
LEATHERNECK
Maybe, but it won't stop me from....
SHEILA
Who says you can't teach an old dog new kicks?
MIKE
Sarge, are you all right?
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - INFIRMARYLEATHERNECK
What...where am I?
EXT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - DAY
SERPENTOR
They look tough, but can they fight?
SHEILA
Let's just say, your highness, the ones who couldn't aren't here today.
SERPENTOR
Oh. Hmm.
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - INFIRMARYMCCANN
Gee, Sarge. Did we wake you? I'm sorry.
LEATHERNECK
Not as sorry as you're gonna be when I rearrange your face!
MCCANN
Nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humor. You know, it reminds me of a funny story. It's about this jerk of a Marine....
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - DAY
MCCANN (V.O.)
...who always said he'd die before letting anyone tarnish his Corps's good name. He was especially sentimental about Parris Island boot camp, where he became a man and a Marine. You can imagine how that kind of a man would feel if Parris Island was overrun by enemy troops, and then destroyed by massive explosions.
MCCANN
Hilarious, huh, Sarge?
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - INFIRMARYLEATHERNECK
Why, you slimy creep!
MCCANN
Save your strength. We'll need it. 'Cause we have a date--you, me, Cobra, and some fireworks Parris Island will never forget!.
EXT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - NIGHT
MCCANN
Come on! Move, move, move!
MCCANN
Nothing like a music to liven things up, eh, Sarge?
SHEILA
Cadets all loaded for Parris Island, sir.
MCCANN
Perfecto. Get on the bus. I've got a last-minute detail to attend to.
MIKE
Well, this is it. Nervous, Sheila?
SHEILA
Nervous? I can't wait.
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - OUTSIDE INFIRMARYMCCANN
Now listen, you greenhorns. Leatherneck will probably try to bust out of this joint, so don't let him escape. 'Cause if he does, I'll make minced meat outta the both of you. Is that clear?
CADETS
Very clear, sir.
CADET #1
Uh-oh. Not already!
INT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - INFIRMARYCADET #2
Not already!
CADET #1
Wait a minute. The glass is broken, but the bars are intact.
CADET #2
Where...where could he have gone?
EXT. CEC MILITARY ACADEMY - NIGHT
MCCANN
Hmm. Five minutes. Must be some new escape record.
SHEILA
Want me to finish him once and for all?
MCCANN
Nope. I was expecting this. We'll just sick the dogs on him.
MIKE
Doesn't a warrior like Leatherneck deserve a better fate than that?
MCCANN
Oh, please! Save me the sob story.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
SHEILA (V.O.)
But what if he evades the dogs?
MCCANN (V.O.)
A possibility, but not to worry. I've already planted an escaped lunatic story.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
TRUCKER [Neil Ross?]
What? Are you some kinda weirdo, boy?
LEATHERNECK
No weirdo, Mister. Just a member of G. I. Joe. A Joe who needs help.
TRUCKER
Yeah. And I'm one of the Oak Ridge Boys. I heard on the CB about them poor orderlies you all crippled when you escaped from that nuthouse!
LEATHERNECK
Nuthouse? Mister, all I wanna do is get to Parris Island.
TRUCKER
Not another word, pardner, 'til we get to a phone!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
WET-SUIT
I wonder where Leatherneck is. He hasn't called in in ages.
LOW-LIGHT
You're worried about Leatherneck? That's a first.
WET-SUIT
He's long overdue.
LOW-LIGHT
Unless he owes you money, forget it. Maybe he went to Parris Island ahead of us.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
MONKEYWRENCH
How about stoppin' for lunch, Zandar?
ZANDAR
No way. If we hadn't stopped for breakfast, we'd be at Parris Island by now!
LEATHERNECK
Just what are you planning to do with me, Mister?
TRUCKER
There's a nice rubber room waitin' for you just down the road a piece, pardner.
LEATHERNECK
Yo Joe!
ZANDAR
After him! Nobody steals my bike!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
WET-SUIT
We're gonna leave for Parris Island without Leatherneck?
ROADBLOCK
Got to. Time's runnin' out.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - DAY
WET-SUIT
Parris Island.
ROADBLOCK
Let's hop to it!
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
MCCANN
Cadets, check out your weapons.
SHEILA
Nervous, Mike?
MIKE
Um, no, uh, not really.
MCCANN
We're almost there.
LEATHERNECK
Close to empty.
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - ENTRANCE
MP #1
Good afternoon, sir.
MCCANN
No, good night, son. Sleep tight!
MP #2
Hey! What's goin' on?
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - DAY
WET-SUIT
I don't see that jarhead anywhere.
ROADBLOCK
Ain't like the gyrene not to be seen, especially since we've got the big daddy Marine.
BEACH HEAD
Quiet in the ranks! Try to act like professional soldiers even if you aren't!
SHEILA
That's the last charge.
MIKE
This will detonate them, sir.
MCCANN
Good. Now let's strike up the band.
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - ENTRANCE
GUARD
As usual, we're gonna miss all the excitement.
LEATHERNECK
Cadet, you're about to get enough excitement to last a lifetime!
LEATHERNECK
This is a little less embarrassing.
EXT. PARRIS ISLAND - DAY
MCCANN
All right, hit it!
COMMANDANT
What?
ROADBLOCK
Hey, what gives?
BEACH HEAD
Yeah, what's with the band? This is a military ceremony.
MCCANN
Showtime! Cobra!
CADETS
Cobra!
COMMANDANT
What the....
ROADBLOCK
Hey!
BEACH HEAD
Duck! Hold your fire!
ROADBLOCK
They got the commandant!
MCCANN
Smart move, Joes. Any heroics, and boom, no more Parris Island!
MCCANN
We're taking the commandant with us. Serpentor will be telling you how much it'll cost to get him back.
SHEILA
Bye-bye, Sarge!
MIKE
No!
SHEILA
What did you do that for?
MIKE
You can't just....
BEACH HEAD
Yo Joe!
LEATHERNECK
Come back, McCann! I want a piece of you!
LEATHERNECK
You're a traitor and a sleazeball, and the worst Marine I ever met!
MCCANN
And you're gonna be the sorriest Marine I ever met!
MCCANN
You can't beat me, Sarge!
MCCANN
I'm tougher! I'm smarter! I'm younger!
BEACH HEAD
Hang on! This is a personal score Leatherneck wants to settle!
MIKE
Buck is losing!
SHEILA
No! Cobra is strong!
SHEILA
We can't be beaten!
MIKE
We are.
LEATHERNECK
You made one mistake, Bucko. I may be older, but I'm better.
SHEILA
Buck! You can't let him beat you! Fight back! Come on!
LEATHERNECK
He was always full of hot air. No real backbone or character.
SHEILA
That's a lie!
ROADBLOCK
Hey, easy, girl!
SHEILA
Cobra is strong! Cobra will be victorious! You'll see! You'll see!
BEACH HEAD
Some of 'em never learn.
LEATHERNECK
Nope. Some of 'em never do.
LEATHERNECK
It's the ones we can help that get us out of bed in the morning.
