The man who invented this has a truly sick mind, but the business sense of a baby. He sold it to me for a song.
DR. MINDBENDER
And you want to sell it for a fortune. But is it worth the price?
CRIMINAL
Once unleashed, the liquid becomes a deady nerve-paralyzing gas. One drop on your victim and he's history.
DR. MINDBENDER
Excellent. You've just struck a deal with Co....
BURKE
I wouldn't say that dirty word if I were you, Dr. Mindbender. I'd have to wash your mouth out with soap. Now, back away from the table, gentlemen.
BURKE
I say, old chap, that had great sentimental value! My A.U.N.T.I.E. gave it to me!
DR. MINDBENDER
Let's get out of here!
EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT
BURKE
Lost them.
CRIMINAL
You missed him!
EXT. NEVADA - DESERT
INT. SECRET LAB
SCIENTIST [Brian Cummngs?]
The lab tests show the liquid is as potent as you described. Thank heaven you were able to retrieve this witch's brew before it fell into Cobra's hands.
HAWK [not Ed Gilbert]
We have Mr. Burke to thank for that. The question is how to dispose of it.
SCIENTIST
That is easy. The Rocky Mountain Chemical Weapons Arsenal.
HAWK
Well, the Joes are on training maneuvers near here. We'll call out the whole G. I. Joe Team if need be to chaperone that stuff to the arsenal.
BURKE
Gentlemen, I dare say Cobra will be watching this area around the lab. They'll be expecting us to employ a large force, so they'll be ready for it. I suggest we send a small, unobtrusive escort mission of four top soldiers to move the container. And the mission must be top-secret. Not even the soldiers guarding it should know what they're transporting.
EXT. NEVADA - DESERT
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
ZARANA
The Joes plan to move the liquid gas with a small detachment instead of the whole force.
DR. MINDBENDER
A small, unprotected group of Joes, eh? Within twenty-four hours, Cobra shall possess that deadly gas.
I'll say. No more shaking scorpions out of my boots.
CROSS-COUNTRY
You be careful with my little girl!
DIAL-TONE
Cross-Country, they're only flying to Fort Wachuka to get the HAVOC's transverse rod fixed. No biggie.
FLINT
Hey, since you guys are without wheels for a couple of days, why not come with us?
LADY JAYE
Yeah, Hawk's sendin' us up on some penny-ante escort mission. Piece of cake.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Well, I ain't got any real pressin' engagements.
DIAL-TONE
You're on.
EXT. NEVADA - SECRET LAB
LADY JAYE
Quiet.
FLINT
Too quiet.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Aw, shoot. You're just too all-fired paranoid.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Hey, you got a package us Joes are supposed to deliver?
CROSS-COUNTRY
Ain't I supposed to sign for it or somethin'?
CROSS-COUNTRY
Okay.
FLINT
Any hint as to what's in that thing?
CROSS-COUNTRY
They weren't too talkative.
FLINT
Well, our orders are clear: avoid cities, steer clear of highways, and get the box to the Rocky Mountain Chemical Weapons Arsenal.
LADY JAYE
Yo Joe!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
LADY JAYE
Let's try that canyon trail.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Nice scenery.
DIAL-TONE
Are you nuts?
LADY JAYE
Dead end.
FLINT
Let's check our options.
LADY JAYE
Swell place for an ambush.
LADY JAYE
Motorcycle tracks.
FLINT
I don't like the looks of this. Climb on board!
DIAL-TONE
Too late now!
CROSS-COUNTRY
It's kinda hard to circle the wagons when you only got one Armadillo!
LADY JAYE
Look out below!
DIAL-TONE
I'd better radio Slip-Stream for an air strike.
BUZZER
You'll be callin' no one, mate!
LADY JAYE
Dial-Tone! Dial-Tone!
CROSS-COUNTRY
You know, this here's right patriotic! Like Custer's Last Stand or Pickett's Charge!
FLINT
Knock out the cycles! That'll make the odds...even?
THRASHER
Enjoy your walk home, mates!
FLINT
Hit the dirt!
LADY JAYE
Guess we don't get to ride home.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Pinch me, folks, 'cause I think I'm seein' one of those desert mirages.
LADY JAYE
Where'd he come from?
TORCH
Well, well, who have we 'ere?
RIPPER
Let's get him!
BURKE
I think these chaps are due for a little trip.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Did you see that?
CROSS-COUNTRY
Now, that's a right pretty maneuver!
LADY JAYE
Uh-oh. We're sittin' ducks!
BURKE
I don't usually smoke, but....
THRASHER
I can't see!
FLINT
That should keep the Dreadnoks confused 'til we get outta here.
BURKE
Could you chaps use a tow?
CROSS-COUNTRY
Any enemy of Cobra's a friend of mine.
BURKE
Burke. Matthew Burke. I'll have you hooked in a jiffy.
BURKE
There that should do it. Care to ride with me? It's air conditioned.
LADY JAYE
Why, sure.
FLINT
Let's move it!
BURKE
Tally ho!
ZARTAN
Blast that smoke! They got away!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - SUNSET
LADY JAYE
It's no use. There's not enough light to see what I'm doing.
FLINT
Wish I could help, but they scored a direct hit on our flashlight.
LADY JAYE
What about torches? Got any matches?
FLINT
No go. None of us smoke.
BURKE
Nor do I, but I found some in the car. Fortunately, I also carry these flares.
LADY JAYE
Why, how thoughtful.
BURKE
Hang on. You've got a bit of a smudge on your nose.
LADY JAYE
I must look a mess.
BURKE
No, on you a dab of grease looks as good as rouge.
FLINT
If we can get back to work?
BURKE
By all means. Just trying to be helpful.
FLINT
Is that what you call it?
EXT. MOUNTAINS - NIGHT
BURKE
It's my guess your attackers will try again in the morning.
FLINT
No matter what Cobra tries, one of us has to complete this mission.
LADY JAYE
Speaking of which, I'd better take the first watch.
BURKE
Oh, please. Let me. I....
LADY JAYE
No. No, you've done enough already. Good night, Matt.
FLINT
Matt? Look, who are you?
BURKE
Let's just say an ally in your fight with Cobra. No doubt Lady Jaye could use a nice cup of coffee. Oh, and Flint, I'm really not tired. I'll take the second watch.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - SUNRISE
BURKE
Sorry to leave you as Cobra bait, but the safety of thousands of people could be in jeopardy. If Cobra got hold of this....
FLINT
Where's that box? Why, that dirty, low-down skunk!
LADY JAYE
Flint?
FLINT
Mr. Savoir-faire swiped the box when he was supposed to be guarding it. He's starting his car right now.
CROSS-COUNTRY
That boy's dog meat when we find him!
FLINT
Back inside!
FLINT
Come on, put your backs into it!
INT. CAVE
LADY JAYE
The Armadillo's still out of commission!
FLINT
Then let's push it by hand!
FLINT
Burke gave you a book of matches last night. Do you still have 'em?
LADY JAYE
Yeah. Here.
FLINT
We've got to get to this motel and pick up a clue to Burke's trail.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - SUNRISE
INT. CAVE
FLINT
Maybe there's a back exit.
LADY JAYE
And if there isn't?
FLINT
I'll make one.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - SUNRISE
INT. CAVE
LADY JAYE
End of the line. Let's retrace our steps. I saw another tunnel back...wait, look!
LADY JAYE
Daylight!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
LADY JAYE
Fresh air!
LADY JAYE
Hey, guys, take a look at this.
FLINT
Looks like half the Cobra army.
DIAL-TONE
There must be something very important in that black box.
MONKEYWRENCH
So, you won't come out and play, eh, mates? Then we'll just have to come in!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Glad you found that exit, Lady Jaye.
DIAL-TONE
Look.
DIAL-TONE
Those two Motor Vipers look lonely.
FLINT
Well, then, let's go down and introduce ourselves.
FLINT AND CROSS-COUNTRY
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Lady Jaye, you and Dial-Tone take one of those Stuns. Find the Desert Dunes Motel and see if you can get a lead on Burke. We'll keep Cobra off your back.
LADY JAYE
Be careful.
FLINT
You know me.
FLINT
Let's go, Cross-Country. We'll circle around and give 'em a big surprise.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Now!
MOTOR VIPER #1
That's one of our Stuns!
MOTOR VIPER #2
Being driven by a Joe! Come on!
ZARTAN
You imbeciles! The Joes are behind you! They're escaping!
FLINT
They're gaining on us!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Well, then, we'll just open up the welcome wagon! Howdy, neighbor!
FLINT
Bad news! Cross-Country, get back to that tail gun and cover us!
THRASHER
Back off, Zartan! I want them!
ZARTAN
Control yourself, Thrasher!
THRASHER
Nobody gets away with what those Joes did to me yesterday and lives! They're mine!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Just hold 'er steady, Flint, good buddy, and... Blast! The barrel's jammed with shrapnel!
FLINT
Jump clear! I'll try to shake 'em!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Negatorie, good buddy! We're in this together!
FLINT
I'm in charge of this mission and that's an order!
CROSS-COUNTRY
Don't take this as disobedience, Flint, but first I got to fix somethin'! Eat this, creep!
THRASHER
You'll get yours, mate!
FLINT
Good job, Cross-Country! Now, let's find that motel!
EXT. DESERT DUNES MOTEL - DAY
FLINT
No sign of Lady Jaye or Dial-Tone. Let's look around.
CROSS-COUNTRY
Flint, over there.
FLINT
Well, well. If it isn't loverboy!
INT. DESERT DUNES MOTEL - FRONT DESK
FLINT
Pardon me, ma'am, but have you got a Matthew Burke staying here?
OWNER
Swanky dank fur'ner? High roller? Yeah. Room One-oh-Three.
FLINT
Thanks. This'll pay for any damages to the room in advance.
EXT. DESERT DUNES MOTEL - DAY
FLINT
Ready, now!
INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN
DR. MINDBENDER
Right on time, boys. You're just as stupid as I thought you'd be. Seize them!.
DR. MINDBENDER
What patsies you Joes are, letting yourselves be used like stooges! allow me to introduce Matthew Burke, top secret agent. You're supposed to be on the same side, but Zarana told us it was his idea to keep the purpose of this mission secret from you.
ZARANA
Hiya, sports! Have a nice day!
DR. MINDBENDER
Now that we're all acquainted, I'll take that black box.
BURKE
Black box? What black box?
DR. MINDBENDER
Let's see if you've hidden it as ineptly as you've done everything else.
DR. MINDBENDER
Tell the Dreadnoks to search his car!
ZARANA
With pleasure.
EXT. DESERT DUNES MOTEL - DAY
MONKEYWRENCH
There. All done.
TRASHER
And no black box. Burke must've hidden it elsewhere.
ZARTAN
Unless.... Ah.
INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN
BURKE
My poor, poor car. It had great sentimental value. It was a gift from A.U.N.T.I.E.
DR. MINDBENDER
Once unsealed, the liquid becomes a deadly nerve-paralyzing gas. Go on ahead and call Serpentor. Tell him to send a squadron of Strato-Vipers to pick it up.
MOTOR VIPER
Cobra!
DR. MINDBENDER
Normally, I'd have you shot, but we've had so much fun together, I've decided to let you live...at least until you witness how Cobra makes use of my new weapon. Farewell, super agent Burke!
BURKE
There, now. That feels better.
LADY JAYE
Quickly, Matt.
DIAL-TONE
Come on, let's go! They can't be far away!
BURKE
Well, sorry, Dial-Tone old chap. Dr. Mindbender just sealed the tunnel behind him.
CROSS-COUNTRY
You set us up, you dang-blasted foreigner! I'm gonna clean your clock!
BURKE
Now, Cross-Country, don't do something you...
BURKE
...might regret.
FLINT
We have a mission to complete, and we'd better work together to get that container back from Cobra.
EXT. DESERT DUNES MOTEL - DAY
DIAL-TONE
Gee, look what they did to his car.
FLINT
There's a small airstrip just north of here in the foothills.
LADY JAYE
Oh, thanks, Matt.
FLINT
Dr. Mindbender must be taking off from there! Dial-Tone, you and Cross-Country find some way to contact Headquarters and get Joe reinforcements to that airstrip.
BURKE
Take the Stun. Cobra's cut the motel phone lines.
CROSS-COUNTRY
You've got it!
FLINT
And how are we supposed to trail Mindbender without transportation?
BURKE
I think the answer to that is right around the corner.
BURKE
Yes. A.U.N.T.I.E.'s always there when you need her.
FLINT
Get in. I'll drive.
EXT. FOOTHILLS - AIRSTRIP
FLINT
There it is.
LADY JAYE
And not too late.
DR. MINDBENDER
With this vial, Cobra can rule the world.
FLINT
Come on, Joes, where are you?
BURKE
If they don't get here soon, we'll just have to tackle them ourselves.
FLINT AND LADY JAYE
Yo Joe!
BURKE
Hang on!
DR. MINDBENDER
Destroy them!
BURKE
Jump clear! I'm setting the car on auto-drive to ram that Night Raven!
FLINT
Jump, Lady Jaye!
BURKE
Here's a little present from my A.U.N.T.I.E., Dr. Mindbender.
LADY JAYE
Flint, he's going to ram it himself!
BURKE
Wear it in good health!
DR. MINDBENDER
He's crazy!
LADY JAYE
Nice job, Matt.
DR. MINDBENDER
Yes. How awfully gallant of you! What's this?
DIAL-TONE AND CROSS-COUNTRY
Yo Joe!
DR. MINDBENDER
G. I. Joe! Run!
MOTOR VIPER #3
Look out!
MOTOR VIPER #4
Take cover!
BURKE
Leaving so soon, Dr. Mindbender?
DR. MINDBENDER
My life is more important than this liquid, and your lives are history!
FLINT
Run! I'll smother it!
LADY JAYE
Flint!
BURKE
A gallant gesture, old chap, but totally useless. The, um, gas is actually cream soda.
FLINT AND LADY JAYE
Cream soda?
BURKE
We knew Zarana had infilitrated our meeting disguised as a secretary, so we used you four as a decoy.
FLINT AND LADY JAYE
Decoy?
BURKE
The real container reached the Rocky Mountain Chemical Weapons Arsenal safely yesterday.
LADY JAYE
Well, at least we captured Dr. Mindbender. Oh, no! Not again!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LOUNGE
REPORTER
The White House announced a special presidential commendation to INTERNAT special agent Matthew Burke for single-handedly stopping a recent Cobra attempt to unleash poison gas.
