And that's the news at eleven. Next up, tonight's mystery movie starring Doris Day, Danny Kaye, Fay Wray, and Doran Fay.
JAMES CAGNEY (V.O.)
All right, drop that gun!
LISA (V.O.)
Mom, I can't make it home this weekend.
MOM (V.O.)
You should visit, Lisa. Long distance is expensive.
LISA (V.O.)
No problem. I'm on a satellite phone service. It's way cheaper!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - TRAINING ROOM
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
WILD BILL
Say, Roadblock, what's a five-letter word for cubic decimeter?
ROADBLOCK
French or American?
WILD BILL
It says "Fr" after the clue.
ROADBLOCK
In that case, it's litre. L-I-T-R-E.
WILD BILL
I reckon all you gourmet chefs parlez vous the French, huh?
ROADBLOCK
Absolut mon. I'm gonna go catch some news.
ANNOUNCER #1 [Frank Welker]
This is the Cobra Television Network.
ANNOUNCER #1
And now, Father's No Beast, the story of a man who lives two lives: good citizen by day and werewolf by night.
WEREWOLF [Zack Hoffman]
Don't trust anybody. I could be your neighbor!
ROADBLOCK
Hey, you guys! Get in here! You have to see this!
DUKE
What's happening?
ROADBLOCK
Check this out.
ANNOUNCER #2
The Cobra Television Network presents: The C Team, starring Mister C!
MR. C [Peter Cullen]
I pity the fool that doesn't join Cobra. I pity him.
DUKE
It's a joke, right? A videotape.
WILD BILL
Nosiree-bob, Duke. That's real TV.
ROADBLOCK
All the channels are like that.
TALK SHOW HOST [Michael Bell?]
So, uh, when did you first discover you wanted to rule the world?
SCARLETT
Cobra Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
I was six when I realized I could run society better than the morons that were in charge.
TALK SHOW HOST
That old, huh?
LADY JAYE
Slow learner, I guess.
COBRA COMMANDER
Since that day, I've devoted all my energy to improving the quality of life for my fellow man. And I shall succeed! This new era in television is only the beginning. Cobra!
SCARLETT
You don't think anybody will watch that garbage?
LADY JAYE
Some people will watch anything, Scarlett.
DUKE
That's not the worst of it, Lady Jaye. Some people will believe anything.
EXT. HIMALAYAS - BROADCAST STATION
INT. BROADCAST STATION
POLICEMAN
He's got the planes!
FIREMAN
Yeah. You can never win if your enemy is bigger and stronger than you.
DESTRO
You changed the ending?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, to promote Cobra's social philosophy.
BARONESS
How was this accomplished?
COBRA COMMANDER
Computers, of course. Voice and picture synthesis.
BARONESS
Amazing. But Commander, why move our entire operation to this Himalayan peak?
COBRA COMMANDER
Because G. I. Joe will never find us here. And we can beam our programs to our satellites with no interference.
DESTRO
I would feel more secure if the Joes' activities were under control.
COBRA COMMANDER
You lack imagination, Destro. We possess the ultimate weapon of control. People love television. It's their friend. They believe what television tells them: about the news, the weather...or G. I. Joe. Don't you see? We control the creation of truth!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - CAPITOL BUILDING
COL. SHARP
Senator Flim is a bit odd, Duke. But he's also head of the Aeronautics and Space Committee, so....
DUKE
So we need his help. I'll be patient, Colonel Sharp.
INT. CAPITOL - FLIM'S OFFICE
SEN. FLIM
Uh, you may be wondering why I called you here today.
DUKE
Actually, sir, we know why.
SCARLETT
Cobra's new satellite has seized control of the public air waves. You want us to knock it out of orbit.
SEN. FLIM
Uh, yes, uh, well, um, well, that's important too, but um....
DUKE
We've triangulated the satellite's position, but our SkyStrikers need rocket boosters to reach it.
SEN. FLIM
Well, well, if it'll help make the world safe for democracy, son, you've got them. Oh, now I remember why I called you.
DUKE
Senator?
SEN. FLIM
Can you get me tickets to the Army-Navy football game?
DUKE
I'll, um, look into it.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - CONFERENCE ROOM
SPONSOR #1
You mean to tell me Cobra has the only TV network on which we can advertise?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T and X) Correct. (T) And being the only game in town, (X) our client has decided to raise prices. (T) Thirty seconds of commercial time will now cost (X) five million dollars.
SPONSOR #2
You're off your rocker!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Take it or leave it.
SPONSOR #3
And if we decide to leave it?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Then your competitors get to sell their deodorant (X) or breakfast foods (T) or designer jeans (T and X) while you go out of business. Any questions?
SPONSORS
No.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
KIRBY
Aw, gee, Likeables. Nobody likes me.
LIKEABLE BOY
That's 'cause you're different, Kirby.
LIKEABLE GIRL
Only when everybody looks alike,
LIKEABLE BOY
and acts alike,
LIKEABLE GIRL
and thinks alike,
LIKEABLE BOY
and never, ever gets angry
LIKEABLES
...can we achieve world peace.
ANNOUNCER
Turn in next week for more pro-social fun with...The Likeables.
DUKE
Now this has gone far enough!
ACE
I've got the rocket boosters installed. The SkyStrikers are ready, Duke.
LADY JAYE
Alpine and I are going up with Ace.
DUKE
Alpine? You?
ALPINE
And how. If we don't stop Cobra this time, I may never see Bowling for Dollars again.
EXT. HIMALAYAS - BROADCAST STATION
INT. BROADCAST STATION
COBRA COMMANDER (singing)
Da-da-dee-da-da, da-da-dum; da, da-da, dee, da, dah!
COBRA COMMANDER
It's mine, you know. Totally mine!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) No, Commander. (T) The ball is still in play.
COBRA COMMANDER
What are you saying?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Our satellite (X) is about to (T) have visitors.
COBRA COMMANDER
Who's piloting those SkyStrikers?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Ace, (X) Alpine, (T) and Lady Jaye.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent! We'll kill three birds with one stone. Notify Zartan.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Yes, Commander.
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
ACE
Anti-satellite missiles in place.
LADY JAYE
Roger.
ALPINE
Fred.
ACE AND LADY JAYE
Huh?
ALPINE
I'm sick of hearin' about Roger.
ACE
Don't fire until we've got visual contact with the satel...uh-oh.
ACE
We're playing for bigger stakes than we thought, folks. That's no ordinary satellite. That's a manned space station.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
Prepare to launch heat-seeking missiles.
BUZZER
All right, Zartan. Here goes.
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
ACE
Holy Toledo! Look at that!
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
Fire!
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
Farewell, Joes. Sorry you couldn't stay longer.
BUZZER
Yeah, you have a nice trip home, Joeys!
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
LADY JAYE
What do we do now?
ACE
Use our oxygen to propel us out of orbit, and then freefall until there's enough atmosphere to catch the chute.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
I knew it! They figured a way back to Earth!
EXT. EARTH - UPPER ATMOSPHERE
ACE
I clock our fall at three hundred and eighteen miles an hour.
LADY JAYE
And the Earth rotates at eleven hundred miles a minute. Which means we hit the silk in eleven seconds.
ALPINE
Yeah, well, see you guys wherever.
ACE
Hey, in case it's nowhere, I was proud to serve with you two.
LADY JAYE
Three...two...one...go!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
And now for our next trick.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
DUKE
We underestimated Cobra's defenses, but we won't make that mistake again. Next time, we send up a squadron of SkyStrikers fitted for space duty, and an astronaut team with the right stuff. Ace will pick the crew.
ACE
Any volunteers?
DUKE
Then let's start testing.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - TRAINING ROOM
SHIPWRECK
...and a hundred and four. Oh, I hate push-ups.
ACE
We all hate push-ups.
SHIPWRECK
Then why do 'em? There's no resistance in space.
ACE
Because stronger is stronger, no matter you are.
SHIPWRECK
No offense. I'll stay on Earth and settle for weaker.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - ZERO-G ROOM
ACE
This is what zero gravity is like. Your stomach and your mouth trade places. And your brains feel like soggy cotton.
SHIPWRECK
Oh, this ain't for me!
ACE
Well, hang in there. I'll check back in a couple of hours.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - CENTRIFUGE
ACE
All right, now that you've had fun at zero-G, let's see how you like life at ten times the Earth's gravity.
WILD BILL
Yeehaw!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
ACE
Uh, sorry. You guys were eliminated.
DUKE
Yeah, well I can still make mince meat out of you in the boxino zing. Lon'| nozgmt(i|.
AKE
Comm on. See what you missed out on.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LAB
ACE
This is where we simulate re-entry. If you make it through this, you've passed the final test.
ROADBLOCK
And if we don't?
ACE
Then you'll be so shook up, you'll be sitting on your nose. Here she goes.
ACE
Looks like Bazooka's out.
DUKE
Then I guess you've got your astronauts.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Good evening. Among our most precious human rights is that of free speech.
LADY JAYE
Now that takes gall.
COBRA COMMANDER
Several days ago, this network's right to inform and entertain you was assaulted by the forces of G. I. Joe. Our orbiting broadcast security repelled this attack. But G. I. Joe may try again to deprive you of your viewing pleasure. We have fortified our defenses, but the price of vigilance is high. Help keep Cobra on the air by sending a generous contribution to this address. Thank you.
DUKE
That does it. Ace, prepare for launch!
EXT. LAUNCH PAD - DAY
INT. MISSION CONTROL
SEN. FLIM
I had to pull a lot of strings to get government funding for this project.
DUKE
Well, that's what strings are for, Senator. Start the countdown.
TECHNICIAN
T minus sixty seconds and counting.
SEN. FLIM
Sergeant, what if it, uh, doesn't work?
DUKE
Then Senator, we lose some fine soldiers, and Cobra's network gets to poison the minds of everybdoy on Earth.
INT. SKYSTRIKERS
DUKE (COMM.)
Everyone ready?
INT. MISSION CONTROL
TECHNICIAN
Three...two...one...we have ignition.
DUKE
Come on! Go you puddlejumpers!
SEN. FLIM
Didn't you think they would make it?
DUKE
Riding a six-story bullet into space is always dicey, Senator.
INT. BROADCAST STATION
COBRA COMMANDER
Those stupid fools! Put me back on the air! Immediately!
FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER
And Varley's heading for the end zone!
COBRA COMMANDER
Hello, sports fans. You're about to witness some real excitement.
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
Live and direct from space, a game of life and death between G. I. Joe and Cobra!
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
ACE
I'm gonna lead us in. Prepare to disengage on my signal.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
BUZZER
They're comin' into range, Zartan.
DESTRO
Your Dreadnoks have a knack for expressing the obvious.
ZARTAN
And you, Destro, for turning up where you're not wanted.
DESTRO
You wanted my new weapons system badly enough, though, didn't you? Man the cannons!
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
Fire at will!
TORCH
Uh, who's Will?
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
ACE
Disengage!
LADY JAYE
Ace, can you read me? Ace?
ACE
Go get 'em, guys.
SCARLETT (COMM.)
He's floating into deep space, toward the sun!
ACE
My tough luck. Just knock those snakes out of the sky!
INT. BROADCAST STATION
COBRA COMMANDER
I can't help it! I'm a sucker for true-life drama!
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Ace, can you read me? Ace!
LADY JAYE
That was much too close! We can't go after Ace until we've taken out the space station. Otherwise, they'll pick us off one by one and nobody'll get back alive.
ROADBLOCK
I've got an idea. Follow me into that meteor storm.
ALPINE
Aw, brilliant. We'll finish ourselves off and save Cobra the trouble.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
They're retreating!
DESTRO
Or so they would have us believe.
BUZZER
Destro's right, Zartan. Scanners are picking up something.
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
DESTRO
There it is.
ZARTAN
He's going to sacrifice himself, ram right into us!
DESTRO
Fire!
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
BUZZER
It was empty! We've bloody been had!
ZARTAN
That kamikaze attack was just a distraction! They're hitting us from above!
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
ROADBLOCK
Thanks for the lift, Alpine.
ALPINE
Any time, my man.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
ZARTAN
The cannons can't be aimed straight up. What do we do?
DESTRO
We respond like technological warriors, not swamp animals.
DESTRO
Stand aside, and remain calm. The cannons are not our only defense.
DESTRO
We can always deploy the solar powered molecular destabilizer.
BUZZER
Hold on now! What's this thing do?
DESTRO
Quite simply, it captured its metallic prey in a tractor beam and ruptures its atoms the way heat pops corn.
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
ALPINE
Why are we stopping?
ROADBLOCK
Because we're caught in a groove and can't seem to move!
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
BUZZER
Whatcha waiting for, Destro? Pop 'em already!
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
LADY JAYE
The ray is doing something to the plane's molecular structure! Everybody punch out, now!
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
DREADNOKS
Oh, way to go, Destro! You really done it this time! How 'bout that? Yeah, yeah, yeah!, etc.
ZARTAN
Why don't you ask for his autograph while you're at it?
EXT. SPACE - COBRA SPACE STATION
DESTRO (V.O.)
They must be out there somewhere.
BUZZER (V.O.)
Not so's you'd know it, Destro.
DESTRO (V.O.)
What about the radar?
ZARTAN (V.O.)
Nothing. No trace of them.
BUZZER (V.O.)
Maybe they fell back to Earth.
RIPPER (V.O.)
Burned up in the ruddy atmosphere!
TORCH (V.O.)
Yeah. Ashes to ashes and all that.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION
DESTRO
Retract the cannons. It appears we've won. Notify Cobra Commander.
INT. COBRA SPACE STATION - GUN PORTS
LADY JAYE
The Cobra shuttles will be our only means of saving Ace and returning to Earth. We'll have to knock out this space station from the inside.
WILD BILL
And pronto. They'll get wise to our trick before long.
